Showing posts with label Gore. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gore. Show all posts

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

MASSIVE REVIEW: The Saw Franchise

Hello people visiting Chainsaw Cinema,

I'm back after having some computer troubles and I want to apologize massively for having to put up with Loan for that long (just kidding). To make up for that fact I'm doing this massive review of every single Saw movie. There are 7 Saw movies meaning that this might become a very long post, to make things easier for everyone you can click on the link down below to expand the post.


Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Tuesday Night Screening: Hostel 2005

Hostel
The highjack review


Well, seeing as that our dear Mel has some computer issues it would seem that you poor sods are stuck with me on this fine evening. But don't worry, I won´t talk about were-turkeys or flesh eating strippers this time, instead, we’ll be looking at everything that is wrong with modern horror movies in this little mess called Hostel, directed by one of my least favorite director and professional butcher of anything resembling cinema, Eli Roth.

This train wreck of a story follows a unlikable and underdeveloped characters and their quest that defines any Eli Roth’s character’s motivation: get drunk and screw around. This time this group of idiots tours through Europe and end up in the Czech Republic where they quickly find a hostel to spend the night with a few babes. Bad move on their part as it turns out that an elitist organization of ‘hunters’, led by a bunch of middle-aged rich white guys, have made it their home turf to kidnap, torture and kill tourists for the thrills and giggles. And the story pretty much goes exactly where you expect it to go, they all get kidnaped and tortured one by one in a cheap effort to gross the viewer out with effects so cheap and bland they’ll test your limits until you’ll do the sensible thing and turn this mess off.

So yes, if it wasn’t obvious, I’m really not a fan of Roth’s directing. Now as an actor, he’s alright, but as a director? It’s painful.
It’s not just that he is a racist, homophobic and juvenile farce of a guy, it’s also that nearly every single one of his movie manages to piss me off in some way. But the Hostel series, somehow is his crowning achievement in establishing his place as one of the worse horror movie director in my opinion. To deconstruct everything that is wrong with this movie would be like trying to explain why you shouldn’t watch Water Power while eating, there’s too much sh8t to make any sense of it.
But let’s start with the most obvious question one can ask when looking at any movie: what’s the point?
A few guys get kidnapped, tortured and killed and that’s about all the plot you’ll get. How can anyone enjoy this? who was the demographic for this, people who get off on it? Well, I’m pretty sure they’ll find it lackluster as the effects are pretty bad, even though most of them were practical. So I ask again, who was this movie supposed to please?
In a few interviews, Roth tries to talks about the impact of gore movies such as “blood sucking freaks” and even a few scenes in the very first “Alien” movie, and how it affected him. It’s pretty obvious that somehow, in his warped mind, he’s trying to make a movie that honors the gory days of such classics as Evil Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dead-Alive. Unfortunately, Roth doesn’t seem to understand exactly why people liked these movies, and now we have one of his many pathetic attempts to re-create the feeling we had when Ash found himself covered from tip to toe in blood while the walls were giving him one of the worse interpretation of a bukake I’ve ever seen.
It’s not because there’s blood and guts on the screen that we’ll turn into whimpering little girls, the gore has to accompany the horror, not the other way around. If you don’t have a story and just the gore and you play it like a serious thing, you just end up with this, Torture porn


So the gore is overdone and just seems like mindless violence just for the sake of gore, the story is pretty much non-existent and the characters are all twats, what else could go wrong? Try insulting an entire country.
Yes, it seems dear ol’ Eli somehow finally managed to piss off an entire country by insulting them of being a bunch of human-trafficking, torturing assh8les. You can begin to guess the response of the Czech officials after this movie was released and they saw how their people were depicted. And I’m not saying that The Czech Republic is perfect, I’ve been there multiple times for extended periods of time so I know it’s not all rainbows and sunshine, but this movie gives eastern Europe such a bad rep, that I actually know some people who actively refuse to go anywhere near it.

Quinten Tarantino, one of my favorite movie director of all times, was quoted saying that Eli Roth was the future of horror movies, and I’m afraid he might be right. With the advance of the Saw franchise and even movies like A Serbian film and The Human Centipede, it seems that there is an audience for pure shock and the grotesque. All I hope is that’s it just a curiosity that will soon leave our minds, but if not, then Eli Roth would indeed be the new face of this revolution with awful stories, hateful characters and cheap gore. But if my advice still counts for anything, avoid this movie like the plague, it’ll do nothing but pissing you off and waste your time.



Personal Rating: 2/10

Critical rating: 4,5/10


Things I’ve learned from Hostel:
- The creepy train guy from Euro Trip just got a whole lot more menacing.
- pasting the name of Tarantino on any movie is sure to give it some appeal, no matter how misplaced it can be.
- I was rather dissapointed by the lack of pancakes induced rampages in this movie.
- This movie is still somehow better than the sequels…be afraid people.
- Toilet revenge…just toilet revenge…

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

DOUBLE REVIEW: The Human Centipede (2009) / The Human Centipede II (2011)

The Human Centipede

IMDB rate: 4,5
Genre: Mad Scientist
Starring: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie

It was time to watch The Human Centipede again, the very shocking movie from The Netherlands; the country where I come from! You see, this might be the only Dutch movie that I like, mainly because there are no Dutch actors in it. I live in this country but when I watch a movie from my own country (spoken in Dutch) I can't understand a thing of what they say, so weird. Anyway, that's why this is the only Dutch movie that I like. It's super brutal and very sick. But I liked it. Why? Because it's a very original (but ridiculous) idea.
I get that some people get disgusted by this movie, but it's just not a movie for everybody.


Two pretty but ditsy American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany, they end up alone at night with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day, they awaken to find themselves trapped in a terrifying makeshift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. An older German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However, his three "patients" are not about to be separated but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric systems. By doing so, he plans to bring to life his sick lifetime fantasy, the human centipede.

First of all, the acting. I think it's an excellent choice to cast Dieter Laser as Dr. Heiter. He is one scary dude and even looking at him gives me goosebumps. He has the ultimate mad scientist look which is of course very useful for this role. His acting was simply brilliant.
Then the two girls. I did not like them. Their acting was horrible the first part of the movie (the part where they still were able to talk). Also they were so dumb. I can't stand movies where someone has the opportunity to escape (and get help) and instead they go back to save someone. Why do they not understand that getting help is much more useful!
There's not much to say about the Japanese guy, since he's only talking Japanese. All I know is that I find his character very annoying with the Japanese screaming the entire time. I do not get why Dr. Heiter puts him in front of the 'centipede', since he's not able to speak one word English. Quite annoying.
I kinda have respect for these actors because this might be one of the most uncomfortable acting jobs ever.

Of course there are many things in this movie that can't be right, for example surviving longer than a few days in that 'centipede' condition. Or that Dr. Heiter finds 3 matching flesh types where he only needed to kill one guy for. It's just too impossible. 
Also, it's very unlikely that the cops react this way. Especially when the cop found the anesthetic that Dr. Heiter brought with him, it's very unbelievable that the cop wouldn't pull his gun or anything. He might be an even worse cop than Dewey (from Scream). 
Even though there are many inaccurate things in this movie I did not find it very bothering. After all, there are not many horror movies that are 100% medically accurate.

I have not seen the sequel yet but I'm planning on watching it very soon. An even longer human centipede must be incredibly disgusting; therefore, more interesting. 


Personally, I enjoyed watching this movie a lot. It's an absolute ridiculous idea, but I liked it. It's very original and very fucked up. The acting of the 'villain' is absolutely brilliant. 
Unfortunately some of the actors are not that great, this made the movie less enjoyable for me. Also, some parts are just too unbelievable and annoying.
The Human Centipede is definitely not a movie for everyone. You need a very strong stomach and at least a bit of a sense of humor. 

My personal rate: 6,5/10

_________________________________________________________________________________

The Human Centipede II

IMDB rate: 3,9
Genre: Mad Scientist, Torture
Starring: Laurence R. Harvey, Ashlynn Yennie, Maddi Black

If you've read my review about the first Human Centipede, you know that I liked it. It's perhaps the only movie coming from The Netherlands that I truly enjoyed. It's a weird movie, it's disgusting, but it's also original and quite good. As you can imagine I was curious about the sequel, the centipede would be longer so in my opinion that would become even more awesome. But I can only say that I was incredibly wrong. 

The Human Centipede II is a real awful movie. The first movie at least tried to make a believable story, with good effects and reasonable acting. This movie is just shit. It's purely made to shock people, it has absolutely no logic in it at all. 

Martin is a mentally disturbed loner who lives with his mother in a bleak housing project. He works the night shift as a security guard in an equally grim and foreboding underground parking complex. To escape his dreary existence, Martin loses himself in the fantasy world of the cult horror film The Human Centipede, fetishizing the meticulous surgical skills of the gifted Dr. Heiter, whose knowledge of the human gastrointestinal system inspires Martin to attempt the unthinkable. 


The biggest part of this movie is replaying the first movie. This Martin dude is obsessed with it and watches it over and over again, which means, the viewer of the sequel watches it over and over again as well. It's not very refreshing for a movie if it's mostly replaying the first part. 

I'm by the way not too sure what to think of this Martin dude, or the guy who played him. Sure, he was good at acting as a creepy little dude who did some pretty nasty stuff. And he did made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, so I guess for a horror movie that's a good thing. But man, this dude was nasty as hell. His acting might be reasonable, but well, acting is made a lot easier when you don't have to say a word. Really, not one word the entire movie. And I don't think he was a mute, since people complained about 'him talking about the centipede stuff', meaning he talked. 

The script was really crap. Martin didn't talk for the entire movie, and the ones who did talk were incredibly unbelievable. The dialogues are unrealistic, random and mostly weird. This was especially when his mother was involved. A weird scene, involving his mother, was when she starts stabbing his bed where she thought he was laying, a second later she's cutting her wrists and another second later she's acting as if it doesn't hurt her but she does get upset because of a weird book under his bed. It really was one of the most random scenes I've ever seen. 

The movie is incredibly slow. I already mentioned that most of it consists of replaying the first part. The other half consists of a not talking nasty main character who is really fucked up. I literally waited for a hour for something to happen, there were only 32 minutes left when finally something slightly interesting happened. 
This guy is bashing everyone's heads in and still expects them to be alive, at least one of them should have gained a head trauma which caused them to faint every few minutes I think. It's like they didn't even try to be slightly realistic. 


The Human Centipede II is really just made to shock people. The first part actually had a story and wasn't necessarily made for it's gore and violent, while this movie just loves it that much that it forgets to make a decent story. There are very visual images of teeth being bashed in, poop being 'shat at the camera' and rape with barbed wire. At one point I think Tom Six forgot that he was making a sequel to The Human Centipede and just continued in making something like A Serbian Film or something. A Serbian Film at least had some sort of story in it, even though it was sick as fuck. 

It's a shame that this movie is like it is, I think it could've been a reasonable movie. I'm really terrified for the third part after watching this piece of shit. What I liked about the first movie was that almost every scene was filmed in nicely lighted rooms, giving a real twisted vibe because it showed something sick. This movie is filmed entirely in black and white which should make it feel more scary according to Tom Six, but really it just seems amateurish and lame. It was quite bothering really. 

There's absolutely nothing to like about this movie. It's gross and just bad. The first half tells about the mad life of this creepy dude whose gathering people, the other half is just a terrible imitation of A Serbian Film. I'm not even sure if I will ever watch the third movie, it can only become more terrible than this movie. Don't waste your time on this.

My personal rate: 1/10



Friday, 23 January 2015

Friday Night Screening: Re-Animator 1985

Re-Animator
Lovecraftian shenanigans and other kinds of fun.

If you’re searching for good B-horror movie, the name ‘Re-Animator’ is certain to pop up, sure it ain’t as popular as ‘Evil Dead’ and not as gory as ‘Braindead/Dead-Alive’, but it respectably stands proud on the top as a B movie you shouldn’t miss.
Directed in 1985, Re-Animator is an adaptation of from the novel of the same name by H.P Lovecraft.
For those who don’t know, I’m a huge Lovecraft fan (just between us, I welcome our fishy overlords). The mythology, the dark symbolism, the perfect and rich writing, what’s not to love?
Just for those who don’t know, here’s a quick recap:
H.P Lovecraft was a writer in the early 1900 who made a mediocre  living by writing scary stories for a newspaper. Unfortunately, like most geniuses, he wasn’t recognized for his talent until after his death. He was often called the Edgar Allan Poe of his time, his stories were often based on ancient deities that once ruled the earth that sometime came back to take their old kingdom which often ends in madness and chaos, with more than often it’s fair share of undead monstrosities and other nightmare fuel for weeks.
But is this movie faithful to the tale of Herbert West, the man who cheated death? Well, let’s take a look at the plot.

Herbert West, a talented and maybe a little eccentric neurologist scientist is just transferred to the University of Arkham (for all you Batman fans out there, that’s where the name came from) from Zurich, under questionable circumstances. He unfortunately drives his roommate Dan with him in his crazy theories that involves the resurrection of dead tissue. Dan, not being a complete idiot right off the bat decides to tell West to go to hell, but after some blackmail and an unfortunate instance involving a zombie Mr Whiskers, Dan finds himself helping West acquiring cadavers for his experiments.
West succeed to cheat death and with ideas of grandeur decides to test his serum further and in even more immoral ways, unfortunately, his plans are thwarted as a teacher catches wind of his little rehearsal of the Night Of The Living Dead and decides to put his plans to be a creepy horny old stalker toward Dan’s girlfriend on hold to stroll in the scene to steal the credit. This should be quickly solved seen as that West can create an army of hungry undead to eat the teacher’s wrinkly old behind, but things get complicated when the teacher turns out to have hypnotic powers…wait what now?

Ok, that’s where the movie kinda lost me, hypnotism? I guess it makes the idea sort of interesting, but I personally prefer the route the book took by making West face his own creations and letting his ambitions be his undoing, instead of a pissed off perv with magic powers.
But first, before comparing it to the novel, how does this movie hold on its own? Well, it’s good, great even. The practical effects have that good old 80s campy feel and the characters and their motives are well portrayed, the only problem I have with it it’s that it’s pretty slow, the first half is purely to show how much of a psycho West is and how he manipulates people, and only near the end do the zombies really kick in the door at the plot’s house to ask for their screentime, which is a shame really, but well, that’s to be expected from a movie that was adapted from a novel.
The dialogue isn’t anything special, it’s not bad but it’s probably noting you’ll remember, exept for West screaming “Overdose!” while finishing off a zombie Mortal Kombat style.
But how does this movie hold up in comparison with the novel? Mhe
I guess it follows the overall story okay, a few changes here and there, mainly due to the fact that it was set in the eighties instead of the early 1900, so acquiring a corpse was as easy as walking through a door (I’m not kidding, they have like, zero security at the Arkham university’s morgue), instead of unearthing the dead at the local cemetery causing the suspicion of the townsfolk like in the novel.
The consequences are also very light in comparison with the novel, in the movie, the worse that happens in the first act is that the cops are slightly questioning West’s motives while holding one of his zombies captive, slowly leading to the attention of the teacher. While in the book, one of his creature, a dead boxer beaten to death in a match, escapes and goes on a murderous rampage, before disappearing, and West becomes completely paranoid till the end of his days, increasing his madness that slowly got worse after doing the horrible deeds he did in the name of science.
But the biggest difference between the novel and the adaptation has to be none other than Herbert West himself. In the book, he was described as a quiet and charismatic young man highly talented in science, but still with a slight touch of a sinister plot crawling in the back of his head, he only really began to lose his mind after he tried multiple times to resurrect the dead, and by the end, he was but a mere shell of his former self and was a paranoid self-loathing man who welcomed the sweet embrace of death by its own creations.
The Herbert West of the movie? A complete and utter scumbag who parasites off everyone to achieve his goals. He is as mad as a kite at some points and even supposedly killed his roommate’s cat to experiment on it. He blackmails, lies and walks on everyone through the movie without caring for anything other than his experiments.
Do I think it’s a good thing they changed the iconic Re-animator from the book? Surprisingly, I do. I liked the Herbert West from the novel, but this one is definitely more at home in the movie, more dramatical and sometimes straight up scary. You never know how far he is willing to go to accomplish his goals, or you’re afraid of knowing exactly how far he’ll go. The actor pulls off the smug face and the insanity perfectly, along with all his other little mannerisms to really flesh out this character.
My opinion? Good movie, kinda slow but rewarding, give it a watch if you haven’t already, and while you’re at it, definitely check out “Herbert West-reanimator” by Lovecraft, not his best story but still a really good one.


What I’ve learned from "Re-animator":
- Instead of slapping someone in the face with a glove the students of Arkham have found another way to challenge each other, constantly breaking off pencils in front of your rival in comedic fashion until he snaps and question your neurological knowledge.
- Talking without a windpipe? Sure, no problem, hell, you don’t even need lungs according to this movie, but since this was also in the book, I guess I have no right to b*tch about it
- Actually, a whole lot about neurology
- Well, never thought they’d top it, but yup, there is a worse rape scene in this movie than the infamous Evil Dead tree rape, this one has a decapitated head...


Personal rating: 7.5/10

Critical rating: 7/10


Saturday, 10 January 2015

Friday Night Screening: The Evil Dead 1981

The Evil Dead
 the power of the chin compels you.

Yes, it would be nearly impossible to start a reviewing blog about cult classics and B movies and not start with this amazing classic. Originally a small project launched by Sam Raimi, his brother Ted Raimi and his best friend Bruce Campbell. This low budget cheap thrill would change the face of horror for many years to come. No one on the set would ever think that what was originally called “The Woods” would become such a hit. but before we continue to talk about what made this movie so famous, let’s take a look at the plot.

Five friends decide that it would be a ‘groovy’ idea to spend a weekend in an abandon cabin in the woods (yes, that’s where Joss Whedon’s movie got the name). A creepy cabin, a group of friend, a big and dark wood surrounding the place, what could go wrong? Well, I don’t know, how about reading some lines from a demonic book, call some demons to possess your friends and turn them into green slime spitting monsters that want to eat your soul? Yup, sounds like the right thing to do.
And the rest of the movie holds no surprise, it’s all about the survival the group and the defense of the cabin from the demons and trees that have seen far too much Japanese entertainment.
Thankfully, the group have a hero in their midst, we call him ‘the chin’, ‘El chino’ or simply, Bruce Campbell…who is kind of a wimp in this movie but will totally kick massive ass in the sequels.

So yeah, you heard this story before, and you’ll hear it again. Modern movies use this tale all the time and other movies even use it for laughs. And with good reasons, The Evil Dead was one of the first and definitely the most famous to use this plot that now seems cliché. But where this movie really shines, is in the atmosphere. The creeping feeling of the possessed friends and the eerie dark woods makes you feel isolated and scared.
For me, this movie shines in the acting and the effects. Sure, nowadays it can be laughable, but think of this as a movie with almost no budget that managed to scare the world for a few years. And I dare you not to find Linda creepy as hell as she just sits in the hall chuckling to herself while all hell breaks loose around them.

But…if I really can be honest, I’m not really a fan of this one. Now hold your pitchforks and torches at bay folks, I don’t say it’s a bad movie, hell, it made a significant change in the entire movie industry and was groundbreaking for its time. But I’m just not a fan of THIS particular evil dead, the reason is probably for the special place in my heart I hold for the sequel, and because it’s the weakest in the series for me. Bruce Campbell’s character Ash wasn’t as refined as he was in the rest of the series and there are too many scenes that make me roll my eyes, yes, I’m especially talking about ‘that one scene’.
So like I said, good movie, but if you want to have yourself a little Evil Dead marathon, I don’t blame ya for skipping that one, hell, the entire movie is remade in the first seven minutes of the second one, so no loss there.






Things I learned from The Evil Dead:
- When something is written in Latin in a book made of flesh with a creepy face on it, in the middle of the woods, and you still decides to read it out loud, then yup, you deserve to die, Darwin’s law kids, Darwin’s law…
- Hide yo kids, hide yo wifes, hide yo husbands cuz we got a rapist in these woods, hint: it IS the woods
- Demons are made of clay and daylight seems to melt them, that’s unexpected
- The original is not always better that the sequel


Personal rating:
6/10

Critical rating:
8/10