Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Tuesday Night Screening: Hostel 2005

The highjack review

Well, seeing as that our dear Mel has some computer issues it would seem that you poor sods are stuck with me on this fine evening. But don't worry, I won´t talk about were-turkeys or flesh eating strippers this time, instead, we’ll be looking at everything that is wrong with modern horror movies in this little mess called Hostel, directed by one of my least favorite director and professional butcher of anything resembling cinema, Eli Roth.

This train wreck of a story follows a unlikable and underdeveloped characters and their quest that defines any Eli Roth’s character’s motivation: get drunk and screw around. This time this group of idiots tours through Europe and end up in the Czech Republic where they quickly find a hostel to spend the night with a few babes. Bad move on their part as it turns out that an elitist organization of ‘hunters’, led by a bunch of middle-aged rich white guys, have made it their home turf to kidnap, torture and kill tourists for the thrills and giggles. And the story pretty much goes exactly where you expect it to go, they all get kidnaped and tortured one by one in a cheap effort to gross the viewer out with effects so cheap and bland they’ll test your limits until you’ll do the sensible thing and turn this mess off.

So yes, if it wasn’t obvious, I’m really not a fan of Roth’s directing. Now as an actor, he’s alright, but as a director? It’s painful.
It’s not just that he is a racist, homophobic and juvenile farce of a guy, it’s also that nearly every single one of his movie manages to piss me off in some way. But the Hostel series, somehow is his crowning achievement in establishing his place as one of the worse horror movie director in my opinion. To deconstruct everything that is wrong with this movie would be like trying to explain why you shouldn’t watch Water Power while eating, there’s too much sh8t to make any sense of it.
But let’s start with the most obvious question one can ask when looking at any movie: what’s the point?
A few guys get kidnapped, tortured and killed and that’s about all the plot you’ll get. How can anyone enjoy this? who was the demographic for this, people who get off on it? Well, I’m pretty sure they’ll find it lackluster as the effects are pretty bad, even though most of them were practical. So I ask again, who was this movie supposed to please?
In a few interviews, Roth tries to talks about the impact of gore movies such as “blood sucking freaks” and even a few scenes in the very first “Alien” movie, and how it affected him. It’s pretty obvious that somehow, in his warped mind, he’s trying to make a movie that honors the gory days of such classics as Evil Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dead-Alive. Unfortunately, Roth doesn’t seem to understand exactly why people liked these movies, and now we have one of his many pathetic attempts to re-create the feeling we had when Ash found himself covered from tip to toe in blood while the walls were giving him one of the worse interpretation of a bukake I’ve ever seen.
It’s not because there’s blood and guts on the screen that we’ll turn into whimpering little girls, the gore has to accompany the horror, not the other way around. If you don’t have a story and just the gore and you play it like a serious thing, you just end up with this, Torture porn

So the gore is overdone and just seems like mindless violence just for the sake of gore, the story is pretty much non-existent and the characters are all twats, what else could go wrong? Try insulting an entire country.
Yes, it seems dear ol’ Eli somehow finally managed to piss off an entire country by insulting them of being a bunch of human-trafficking, torturing assh8les. You can begin to guess the response of the Czech officials after this movie was released and they saw how their people were depicted. And I’m not saying that The Czech Republic is perfect, I’ve been there multiple times for extended periods of time so I know it’s not all rainbows and sunshine, but this movie gives eastern Europe such a bad rep, that I actually know some people who actively refuse to go anywhere near it.

Quinten Tarantino, one of my favorite movie director of all times, was quoted saying that Eli Roth was the future of horror movies, and I’m afraid he might be right. With the advance of the Saw franchise and even movies like A Serbian film and The Human Centipede, it seems that there is an audience for pure shock and the grotesque. All I hope is that’s it just a curiosity that will soon leave our minds, but if not, then Eli Roth would indeed be the new face of this revolution with awful stories, hateful characters and cheap gore. But if my advice still counts for anything, avoid this movie like the plague, it’ll do nothing but pissing you off and waste your time.

Personal Rating: 2/10

Critical rating: 4,5/10

Things I’ve learned from Hostel:
- The creepy train guy from Euro Trip just got a whole lot more menacing.
- pasting the name of Tarantino on any movie is sure to give it some appeal, no matter how misplaced it can be.
- I was rather dissapointed by the lack of pancakes induced rampages in this movie.
- This movie is still somehow better than the sequels…be afraid people.
- Toilet revenge…just toilet revenge…

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