Two Evil
Eyes
Two
heads, one movie, half the effort, and a
sh*tton of apologies to poor ‘ol Eddie Poe
Ah yes,
Edgar Allen Poe, once a tragic writer ahead of its time, now but a mere
throwaway joke whenever a movie director can’t come up with some original idea.
Yes it
seems there are more Poe based movies around than high-schools in anime, well I
don’t care if the idea’s been dryer than Conrad Hilton’s tit after a Night In
Paris, believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to watch this little
mess that we call Two Evil Eyes.
Why?
Four words: George A f*king Romero. Now what heresy is this, you might ask, a
campy movie reviewer who’s repertoire seems to exists solely on Evil dead 2
jokes, admiring the zombie master himself known as George A Romero? Most
unorthodox...wait not really, it actually goes as well hand in hand as a creepy
dog owner and peanut butter.
Yes of
course I adore anything with the man’s name on it, hell, I’ve even given The Crazies remake a free pass for
having his name in the credits (and because it’s actually a pretty good movie).
So when I heard he made a movie that flew under everyone’s radar I went nuts
and watched the damn thing, and I must say, after having seeing it, I start to
see why everyone disregarded it like road kill.
Because
there is another half to this otherwise awesome coin, Dario Argento.
Most
people seem to actually like the guy, hell, he’s even seen as one of the better
horror movie directors out there, personally though? I really don’t like him.
Sure I haven’t seen every single one of his movies, but the ones I saw didn’t
really catch my eyes or anything, and the guy himself is a complete creep. Now I
know he’s probably Italy’s number 1 horror director, but I still need to see
more of his work, but after watching this mess of a movie, I’m not sure I really
want to, even though I heard that his movie Suspiria
should change my mind, but that’s for another time in the future.
But despite
my less than favorable view on the man, I’m just one guy and obviously not
someone who was asked if it was a good idea to put these two directors in the
same room with an Edgar Allan Poe novel.
So two movies
for the price of one, what could go wrong?
The
first story, directed by Romero, is a recreation of “The facts in the case of
Mr. Valdemar”, a story an unlikable wife who cheats of her unlikable dying
husband Valdemar with an unlikable doctor. Gees, talk about screwing you’re
affair on your husband’s dying bed.
Well, it
might come as no surprise that the characters aren’t the main driving point
here seeing as they could easily been rewritten with top hats and monocles and make a guest appearance in Captain Planet
trying to drown baby seals in oil or whatever the hell happened on that show.
What really gets this story going is that the unlikable wife has to keep her
husband alive long enough to get the green the old geezer is sleeping on ,
unfortunately said task prove to be difficult as he trades his wardrobe for a
red shirt and bites the dust faster than you can say ‘gold digger’. Fortunately
the doctor had Valdemar under hypnosis at the time of dead, and it seems to
have created a mortal loophole leaving the old man in-between worlds. It’s only
when the spirits from the other side get tired of this cast of assh*les and
decide to take control of the dead body and go on a rampage that the story
really picks up its pace.
The
second story, by Dario Argento, is none other than “The Black Cat”, a great story
and a really sick and twisted look into the human creativity.
The
movie however? Weird as hell, we follow Harvey Keitel playing a freelance
photographer who’s girlfriend’s cat is driving insane. That’s about it without
going into spoiler territory, however, if you read the story, you know it
doesn’t end well for anyone.
All
right, my thought on the first movie, The facts in the case of Mr Valdemar? All
right at best.
One of
the many problems is the fact that the story is amazingly slow, and the good
part doesn’t come till the last five minutes or so, and of course Romero found
a way to work some zombies in there somewhere. But yeah, as a standalone movie,
it’s good, the characters are unlikable, sure, but their motives are clear and
the situation they find themselves in is enjoyable to watch. And the ending is
actually rewarding.
However,
then we come to the point where I find myself obligated to talk about the
Argento part.
The only
way I can describe it, is as a putrid aftertaste to an already bland cake with
some little chocolate bits here and there.
I’m
really not a fan of it, it might be the confusing plot, the cruel and strange
tone, or the throwaway characters.
The vibe
is very weird, I guess that the story of a man going slowly insane should feel
uneasy and weird, but I’m getting an overall feel of “Overtrying artsy-ness”.
The plot
is all over the place, and a medieval dream sequence didn’t help my confusion,
and you have to sink pretty low to make Hervey Keitel act like he’s got astick up his ass (Watch the movie, you’ll get the joke).
But
yeah, this part has some pretty big names, mainly Harvey Keitel who’s an
amazing actor, and even…wait, is that Darla, Julie Benz? And he gave her the
role of an extra? Damn you Argento, and you wonder why we can’t get along?
But even
with the best actor, this part just seems to fall flat. And here’s another
thing, I once said that the theme of the slow decent into madness is one of my
favorite subject, seeing as my all-time favorite movie focuses heavily on this
aspect, the decadence of the soul is something I am very well accustom to, and
it never seems to amaze me nonetheless. So this should be a feast for my eyes,
but I the story is just too confusing, letting you hope for a higher meaning, a
touch of symbolism, but the movie just never delivers and never goes the extra
mile to draw you in and keep you invested in either the characters or the
setting. Cruel, confusing and never deeper than the bottom of my shoe, that’s it
in a nutshell if you can take my word for it.
So if
you decide to watch this movie, take your time with the first one, the effects
and story are rewarding in the end, but go ahead and skip the second one.
Things
I’ve learned from Two Evil Eyes:
- The
‘Ripley’ hairdo made you irresistible in the 80s.
- This
movie has the worse opening theme ever.
-
Zombies don’t need lip sinc
- When
the door open and a bunch of elves call you out to follow them, it’s probably
best to lay off the liquor for a while.
- Nearly
murdering an entire room of cops by acting like a dumbass to get some good
pictures of half a naked chick is shrugged off by the officers like a minor
inconvenience.
- In
hindsight, going out with a guy who takes daily pictures of mutilated corpses
wasn’t such a fresh idea to start with.
Personal rating: 5
Critical rating: 5.5
No comments:
Post a Comment