Friday, 5 June 2015

Friday Night Screening: Killer Pussy 2004

Killer Pussy
Why Japan, why??

Well, some things just can’t be avoided. Like saying we’ll quickly check our email and we end up hours after hours looking at cat videos on YouTube, or having a blog about cheap cult classics and not end up in this certain part of questionable entertainment, so  we all knew this day would come, the day when I decide to review a porno
Although saying watching ‘Killer Pussy’ is like watching porn is like saying that watching ‘The Room’ is watching drama. If anyone actually finds this remotely arousing  then I will seriously start to question human kind as a species. Watching Japanese chicks trying to turn us on in a porno is like watching a guy with no limbs trying to get back in his wheelchair, it’s pretty funny at first, and then it just becomes painful and awkward to sit through.
But I’m exaggerating when I use that the term ‘porn’. To be fair, there’s more porn in your everyday Slasher than in this little confused horror/comedy from 2004, but since it’s from Japan, you know things are gonna get weird.

Ok, not sure if this movie even got a plot, but I’ll try to make some sort of sense of it.
Five friends go for some unknown reason in the woods when their car breaks down, and find refuge in an abandoned bunker or something.  So our “heroes”,  and since I can’t be bothered to learn their names I’ll just call them Moe desu chick, busty, whimpy, creeper and third wheel, decide to do some exploring but quickly decide to abandon that plan once the find the liquor cabinet.
One of those dumbasses strays away from the group however and gets attacked (and since it’s Japan you know that means rape) by a lesbian milf who was frozen in quarantine because she is carrying a deadly and hilarious parasite in her cooch. Before you can say ‘tentacle’ the parasite finds a new home and goes on a rampage on the group of now drunk and horny friends with its new c8ckhungry host.

The first 25 minutes are boring soft-core failing  attempt to get a reaction in our pants, but then sh8t gets real as the castration and the mayhem starts, gotta love the “chomp” sound effect when a d8ck gets bitten off by the killer vagina.
Yeah, told you it would get weird. But the weirdest thing about this movie is just how ridiculously incredible it is. It’s so hard to look away with all this random sh8t that gets thrown your way. I can’t believe I have to say it, but I would recommend checking it out, only for the lols and giggles.
It’s so rare that a thing appears that is so bad in every way possible, that it has to be seen to be believed. I honestly couldn’t stop laughing my a88 off during this entire movie. The acting, the story, the effects, the editing, the props, everything is just so hypnotizingly bad that it’s a masterpiece in its own rights. It’s just amazing that we live in a world where you can find a movie about a woman with teeth in her privates and goes around hunting for d8cks.
Japan, you baffle me once again, but sincerely from the rest of the world, please lay off the acid for a while, okay?


What I've learned from "Killer pussy":

- Japan is weird as f8ck
- All of your problems can be solved with a lesbian mud fight, although why is the mud so red…OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN...???!!
- Even the actors knew this porno was sh8t, they rather fap to random porn magazine they  found in an abandon building.
- Ok, I can’t believe I have to say this but no movie, no matter what the subject is, should have a scene shot from the point of view of a woman’s cooch, ok? Cinematography 101 people, no one want’s that, there aren’t people who wake up in the morning and say: ”gee, I wonder what it would be like to be a vagina”
- How to take tea bagging to a whole new level


Personal rating: 7,5/10

Critical rating: 2/10

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