Friday Night Screening: Killer Pussy 2004

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Friday Night Screening: Brainscan 1994

Brainscan

Pre Virtual-Boy of doom

I get the distinctive idea that people in the 90’s saw us gamers as a bunch of psychopaths waiting to snap, then again, here we have “Brainscan”, a flag holder for worried mommies all over the nation blaming anything but their own parental skills for their kids sudden homicidal tendencies.

A movie about a violent video game in the 90’s? my my, this sounds interesting.

Brought to us in 1994, a glorious year for us gorehounds, this little movie tackles the question of how far one is willing to fall to erase the consequences of a remorseless act.

So let’s go back to a time where the SEGA CD was still a ‘thing’ and figure out why video games are apparently the devil incarnated.

Peeping tom extraordinaire sixteen years old Micheal finds time between his voyeurism sessions and chillaxing like a baller with his typical ”far out dude!” bro to try the game everyone is talking about, Brainscan, a game that is played directly with your brain. Unfortunately after having finished the first disc and mission, that involved sneaking into some poor sod’s house and going Norman Bates on his ass, Michael realizes that the game seems to have consequences in the real world, and he finds himself screwed when the police don’t buy his puppy dog eyes alibi. Even worse, a strange entity follows him around calling himself “the trickster” to make his life a living hell and force him to continue playing, acting like Micheal’s conscience forcing him to take care of the witnesses and erase his tracks. All while we witness the poor little Micheal make time to ask the girl next door out and Micheal’s best friend recreate dialogue from ‘Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure’.

As Micheal continues playing and digs his grave deeper and deeper, reality starts to shift as Trickster makes the game more and more difficult and detective Mc-coldface abnormally good intuitions lead him to his murderer.

can't tell if his face says
"Let's play some super smash brawl"
or "Squeal like a little piggy!"

Okay, let’s get this out of the way, I frigging love this movie. Maybe strange seeing as that in my review of “Satan’s little helper” I criticized it for shining such a negative light on gamers. But in this movie the subject is approached in a much more mature angle. Sure Micheal and his friend are obsessed by horror movies simply for the gore and will play any game with blood in it, and above all doesn't even question the idea of playing a game where the main objective is to perform ruthless homicidal acts for the Lulz.

But the real question this movie asks is: how far is someone gonna go if they believe that their acts are without consequence. Which is a really good and interesting subject regarding the human psychology and the sick dark place that lurks in the human creativity.

So do I like the story? Yes, it’s a murder case  with a bit of a supernatural angle and seen from the perspective of the killer. The message is maybe a little too preachy for me, video games are violent and so on, but let’s remember that it was a very difficult time then, and the idea of blaming something new was simpler than looking at the truth. The questions the movie asks are interesting and it’s an entertaining situation to watch our protagonist get out of.

The characters were all right for the most part, the kid that played Micheal did a good job, and the Trickster is damn entertaining to see. He’s the kind of devil you could have a good laugh with and that could kill you the next moment, all while abusing your house with his questionable feeding habits. I’ll admit that the Trickster is probably the main reason why you should watch this movie, a strange sadistic entity that forces you to continue murdering with as leverage the fear of getting caught? What’s not to love?

And off course we are treated to pre-perfection 90’s CGI and some great practical effects.

The CGI is actually pretty interesting, at time it’s your average 90’s lightning effects, but sometime it seems like they add a painted effect to some of the morphing effects on the Trickster, which give a pretty interesting combination of pre CGI and other canvas techniques.

I really recommend this movie, the story’s good and the ending always makes me laugh. For anyone looking for a cheezy 90’s horror/gore movie with a good twist, I promise you won’t be disappointed, if you don’t mind the teenage drama sprinkled here and there.

Thing I’ve learned from “Brainscan”:

-Damn, so SEGA was evil back in the days, who knew, well, apart from those who know about sonic.EXE I guess.

- Didn’t know the Goblin King and the Leprechaun had a kid, good to know he went into the gaming industry, instead of kidnapping babies or murdering one sixth of  the cast of ‘Friends’.

-Man, I want Micheal’s room. Kid’s got a own electronic butler named Igor. All I got as a kid was a pet lizard I had to catch on my own.
-Who else thinks that “horror movie club” is the best idea for a high school since forcing girls into miniskirts?

Personal rating: 8,5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Friday Night Screening: The Refrigerator 1991

The Refrigerator

Attack of the kitchen appliances from hell

You know those movies, where the name and the premise is half the fun? Like killer klown from outer space or return of the killer tomatoes?

Yeah, so here’s a movie about a killer fridge from hell, do with that information whatever you want.

Released in 1991, this weird thing I’m unsure to call a movie or a bad joke someone made on a late Saturday night after a whiskey intoxication, is brought to us by Nicholas Jacobs, who unfortunately never really did anything else worthwhile.

A movie about a killer fridge, *sight* seems like just yesterday that I used to review normal movies…wait, I never did review a movie based on any plane of normality, why am I complaining??

Ilene and Michael Bateman (not sure if it’s a reference to the book American Psycho, seen as it was published in the same year this movie came out), a young and ambitious couple decide to buy a place in the less rat infested parts of new York, little do they know that their refrigerator has a minor case of the satanz and goes around munching on unimportant extra’s during it’s free time.

But it seems Michael is getting more and more willing to listen to the little people living in his fridge telling him to kill his wife as the movie goes on, and yes, I wish I could make sh8t like this up as I go along. But thankfully, Ilene gets help from the greatest man alive, Super-plumber Juan, who with his pornstash and epic dancing skills manages to even give Bruce Campbell a run for his money. My god is that man awesome.

So what is there to say about this movie? Besides that it’s about a fridge that goes ballistic that is. Well, I guess you can say it’s about the fear of committing, as Ilene and Michael seem to take each other for granted and their relationship slowly start to break down to the simple factor of mistrust, or you could say it’s about a GODDAMN KILLER FRIDGE FROM HELL THAT EATS PEOPLE.

Seriously, do I need to say more? People, there is a motion picture in which a refrigerator eats a man whole by comically opening and shutting it’s door.

I guess I could talk about the needless dialogue or the plot that gets crammed in there too tight like it’s trying to overshadow the killer fridge, like the constant flashbacks from Ilene about her youth that ends up going, guess where? Nowhere at all of course!

I mean we get scenes upon scenes of her childhood trauma that all ends up in a big fat cry and f8ck all else. No character motivation, just the super plumber and his unusual good people skills (I’m serious, I can’t find a single flaw with this guy).

But there are some great scenes, I’ll give this cheap movie that much, there is a scene that just might be the best moment in cinematography of all time. I mean really, how can you even start to top a scene in which a depressed workaholic husband wakes up in the middle of the night with a smile that would put the Cheshire cat to shame just to say: “I am the wafflemaker”

I tip my hat off to you “The Refrigerator”, you have out random’d me mister, may the blessing of the great space homophobic squirrel lord go with you.
But all joking aside, this movie is silly, really silly. Maybe not in the way that 'Robo-Geisha' is silly in a self-acknowledged way, but more based on the premise, while the movie tries it’s darn hardest to pass a serious story about a troubled, falling apart couple that just so happen to have a killer doorway to hell located in their fridge, and also the best plumber I’ve ever seen, seriously, I can’t get over this guy, I think I have a bro-crush.

Death by fridge, now I've seen everything

So should you watch this movie?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you owe it to yourself to see this movie, simply because you’ll then be able to brag to your friends that you've seen everything. But really, it’s kinda slow and a lot of story goes nowhere, but at least you’ll see a guy gets eaten by a fridge, that’s something I guess.

Things I’ve learned from “The refrigerator”:

- I knew living in New York was tough, but damn.

- Good names don’t make good movies

- Plumbers are awesome, Bonus points for the mustache

- When little people inside you fridge start telling you how to live your life, it’s time to put down the waffle maker belt and seek some help.

- Can’t wait for “The mixer of doom” or “The little toaster massacre"

Personal rating: 6.5/10

Critical rating: 4.5/10

Friday Night Screening: Robo-Geisha 2009

Robo-Geisha

Suck it 90’s ‘Tank Girl’, this is the real thing.

Well, about time I review another movie from my favorite country: Japan.  And yes, this movie is weird…Really ass-bugging-Stomp-on-the-face-and-drives-of-a-cliffs-only-to-pop-up-in-front-of-your-window-at-3-am-whispering-something-about-killer-turtles-while-you-only-wanted-a-glass-of-water weird.

Are you afraid? Well, you better be, cause here’s Robo-Geisha

Released in 2009 by Noboru Igushi , this proves my point that japan isn’t just crazy, it’s a new kind of crazy bred in a lab somewhere only to escape in nothing but a yellow mankini and slap people in the face with a dead fish.

Ever wondered what would happen if you mixed ‘The Terminator’ with ‘Memoirs Of A Geisha’ and ‘Godzilla’ and a whole lot of meth? Well, here’s your answer:

An ultra-violent weird and insane trip filled with out of place humor and nonsensical fight scenes between geisha’s and robots, ninja’s, giant robot castles and a nurse…for some reason.

What is this movie really about? Well, these kind of movies often don’t really have much of a story, the humor and value are based more on how much they can get away with. But with Robo-Geisha, there is surprisingly more story than needed. It tells the tale of two sisters, the elder being a geisha and the younger being pretty much Cinderella with major anger issues. Let’s just say they don’t get along, and it doesn’t help that this perfect young guy with a major bank account is more interested in the younger sister, Yoshi (yeah, I know, just roll with it). They both get invited to his company where we learned that he is an evil villain who wants to take over the world with his father and do evil stuff like stomping on puppies and laughing at sick kids and all that evil business.

Thus the two sisters are recruited to his army of cyborg Geisha assassins. And instead of saying:

 “eh, I know you’re pretty much Cruella from the 101 Dalmatian with slightly better hair and a penis and stuff, and I can roll with that, but I’m probably gonna go now because of the serious case of ‘dying’ that everyone in your company has been getting lately”, the two sisters decide to turn the whole thing into a competition, killing as many as possible, getting better upgrades and taking the physical abuse like a boss to eventually become ‘The Very Best’.

Well, the movie decides that this plot is getting old somewhere halfway through and Yoshi gets betrayed by the Asian Ken doll and his company and left for dead at the side of the road. But of course, an older Winry from FMA just happens to pass by and gives her sweet upgrades. Thus Yoshi, now armed with the lower body of a tank and enough fire power to blow up the whole country, decides to open a can of whoop ass of biblical scale on the bad guy’s HQ, which has now become a giant Godzilla robot and who is destroying random building…which are bleeding when destroyed, yeah, I don’t even…

You thought i was kiding, didn't ya?

This movie is simply amazing, not because it’s good or anything, but because it’s so bad, but on purpose , which makes it ok, right?

But all kidding aside, I loved this movie. Never did I find myself bored or not laughing, it managed to hit every single note perfectly, even if hitting said note perfectly required to have some of the worse effects I’ve seen in a while, which in my case only entertained me more.

The intention was to make a movie so ridiculous as possible and I’ll be damned if it isn’t one of the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever seen.

The only thing I can compare it to would be “Panty and Stocking with Gartenbelt”, the humor, pacing and ridiculousness is similar, but Robo-geisha takes it one step further in the ‘weird’ direction. Surprisingly, the story telling is also shockingly similar, teasing us with serious moments and drama, only to slap us in the face with an over the top nonsensical fight scene out of left field, as if the show and the movies were telling us: “yeah, we can to so much better than this, we could actually have a story, but f*ck that noise! Here’s a chick with tank wheels driving on the side of a building while playing a shamisen shooting lasers at a giant walking castle destroying the city”, and it works perfectly.

I spoke of the effects earlier, I think I didn’t do it justice when I said it was some of the worse I’ve seen in a while, cheap CGI bullets and blood that flies everywhere across the screen without rhyme or reason, pretty similar to the “Violent Shit” movies (in case you don’t know any of them, trust me when I say it’s pretty bad and in no way a compliment). The practical effects are over the top and works perfectly for the goofy tone this movie was going for, like some guy with shrimps shoved in his eyes or a man being hit so hard his head retracts back into his torso, you know, all the good stuff.

The dialogue…do I need to say anything else than an example early on in the movie where a man is told an assassin is going to kill his within three minutes:

- “Kill me in three minutes? Three minutes is as much time as you’ve taken a dump but you’ve still got like, faint bits of shit sort of smearing at the toilet, right?”

I rest my case.

I don’t know what’s worse, that this movie has everything from butt-shurikens to acid breast milk, or that I was laughing at every single immature joke this movie was throwing at me. Ah well, final verdict? If you like Japanese humor, give it a watch, and if you’re not familiar with Japanese humor, you might want to approaches  this one carefully but I still highly recommend it, only for the sheer ridiculousness and because it might be one of the most random thing you’ll ever see.

Things I’ve learned from ‘Robo-Geisha’:

- Ass-play is taken quite literally in this movie.

- Everyone in this movie went to the same target practice as the Star Wars storm troopers.

- Grandpa be packing heat.

- Ass-swords…really movie? You just had to push it didn’t ya?

Personal rating: 8,5/10

Critical rating: 4,5/10

Friday Night Screening: Zombie Strippers! 2008

Zombie Strippers!

Because there are still people out there wanking to it

Well, time to take a break from nightmares on Elm street and take a look at...stipping zombies. But all is well, I have enough scotch to clear my memory after this and we have a familiar face to lead us through this slightly necrophiliac propaganding  journey, no other than Freddy himself, goddammit Robert Englund, of all the undead joint in all the grindhouse in all the world, he walks into mine.

Well, to be honest, the fact that Robert Englund plays in this movie is one of the two big reasons I picked up this little flick made in 2008, the other would be the name, because honestly, how could I pass on a movie about zombie strippers? Also Jenna Jameson plays in this... don't act like you don't know who she is you horny little devil.

And yes, before you even ask, this movie is exactly what you think it is.

In a not too distant future, one where stripping has become illegal, a small group of commando is send out to take care of a laboratory spill that caused the personnel to become brain-hungry zombies. Of course things get out of hand and one of the zombies finds itself in an illegal strip club owned by Freddy Kruger and bites the hell out of one of the strippers.

And then things get weird, I’m not sure how things will go down in the future, but I’m pretty sure necrophilia will still not be the norm, so why in the name of all that is holy, the crowd goes wild when the returned stripper dangles her rotting flesh all over the dance floor , is beyond me. But Freddy sees an opportunity in this and all goes to hell beyond that point. And yes, it gets even weirder.

Ok, let’s get this out of the way, this movie is funny as hell. Sure it can be classified as toilet humor, but what can I say? It works. On the other end of the spectrum however, when did people start to find dancing corpses hot? I mean all right, I wouldn’t be one to kick Jenna Jameson out of bed, but she’s not so hot that I’d pay to see her rotting pieces splatter all over the dance floor.

But for all the fun this movie is in its juvenile humor, I do get the idea that this movie tries to be much deeper than it actually is, or at least that would be the case if I knew anyone’s reasons to do anything in this movie. They try to tackle multiple questions on the duality of men here and there, but it falls flat when you realize they are just quoting Nietzsche every once in a while, and like a joke without a punchline, this just goes on and on until the end of the movie making you wonder if there was a point to all this, and to save you the trouble, no, there isn’t.

And it’s a shame, because I really don’t want to call a movie named ‘Zombie Strippers’ pretentious, but I can’t see the joke. I mean, why have the setup by having one character ask questions about the prosecution of weaker woman in this industry by pressurizing them with impossible standards, eventually wondering if men is born evil, just to never either answer those questions or have a joke that works. So yes, and I hate to be the one to say it, but Zombie Stripper is, maybe unwillingly, pretentious.

For a movie that hopelessly tries to show us the evil of standards and expectations, something you’d expect would interest more woman than men (not being sexist here, just saying) this movie is 75% striptease, something that, more often than not, does not interest the female demographic. So why have all that talk about the pressurizing of woman in the industry? For f8ck squabble diddle doo, and that’s why this movie falls horribly flat in that regard.

Might want to rethink that lapdance...

But back to the point, the effects are unfortunately really poor, and I mean both they look cheap and they are uninteresting. More often than not computer generated blood spatter and wounds that would make the later ‘Violent shit’ movies proud. The small amount of practical effects are slightly better and the props and sets do their jobs nicely. The acting isn't even worth mentioning, seeing as the lead previous acting jobs were such unforgettable classics such as ‘Buttman at Nudes a Poppin' 7’ and ‘Breast Obsessed 3’. Robert Englund, and no matter how much I like him as an actor, didn’t bring his A-game either, he often seemed like he was lost on the set or really waiting for his paycheck, but even then, he did get a few chuckles out of me here and there.

So, final verdict? This movie is a blast, it’s perhaps poorly acted and has more strip scenes than gay undertones in Brokeback Mountain, but it’s funny as hell and will have you laughing all the way with its ridiculous plot.

However, I am speaking as a proud dong-owner here, and I feel that some of the ladies probably won’t be able to sit through so much of Jenna’s exposed…uhum…acting. And thus would find the movie pretty lacking and/or hard to sit through. I might ask Melanie or another female reviewer to check it out in the future to get a second opinion. However if you don’t mind, the humor is still side-aching and it has more memorable quotes and scenes than I could mention.

Things I learned from ‘Zombie Strippers!’:

- Nietzsche does indeed make more sense after you die

- This future might be a bit short of stupid, but at least it’s not ‘Teenage Caveman’

- I’ll never look at a billiard ball the same way

- Rhino in a thong might be the worst logo for anything since the RE6 title card

- Foaming Chewbacca…seriously internet?

- And I though the teabag from killer pussy was bad…

Personal Rating: 7/10

Critical Rating: 5.5/10

DOUBLE REVIEW: The Human Centipede (2009) / The Human Centipede II (2011)

The Human Centipede

IMDB rate: 4,5

Genre: Mad Scientist

Starring: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie

It was time to watch The Human Centipede again, the very shocking movie from The Netherlands; the country where I come from! You see, this might be the only Dutch movie that I like, mainly because there are no Dutch actors in it. I live in this country but when I watch a movie from my own country (spoken in Dutch) I can't understand a thing of what they say, so weird. Anyway, that's why this is the only Dutch movie that I like. It's super brutal and very sick. But I liked it. Why? Because it's a very original (but ridiculous) idea.

I get that some people get disgusted by this movie, but it's just not a movie for everybody.

Two pretty but ditsy American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany, they end up alone at night with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day, they awaken to find themselves trapped in a terrifying makeshift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. An older German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However, his three "patients" are not about to be separated but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric systems. By doing so, he plans to bring to life his sick lifetime fantasy, the human centipede.

First of all, the acting. I think it's an excellent choice to cast Dieter Laser as Dr. Heiter. He is one scary dude and even looking at him gives me goosebumps. He has the ultimate mad scientist look which is of course very useful for this role. His acting was simply brilliant.

Then the two girls. I did not like them. Their acting was horrible the first part of the movie (the part where they still were able to talk). Also they were so dumb. I can't stand movies where someone has the opportunity to escape (and get help) and instead they go back to save someone. Why do they not understand that getting help is much more useful!

There's not much to say about the Japanese guy, since he's only talking Japanese. All I know is that I find his character very annoying with the Japanese screaming the entire time. I do not get why Dr. Heiter puts him in front of the 'centipede', since he's not able to speak one word English. Quite annoying.

I kinda have respect for these actors because this might be one of the most uncomfortable acting jobs ever.

Of course there are many things in this movie that can't be right, for example surviving longer than a few days in that 'centipede' condition. Or that Dr. Heiter finds 3 matching flesh types where he only needed to kill one guy for. It's just too impossible. 

Also, it's very unlikely that the cops react this way. Especially when the cop found the anesthetic that Dr. Heiter brought with him, it's very unbelievable that the cop wouldn't pull his gun or anything. He might be an even worse cop than Dewey (from Scream). 

Even though there are many inaccurate things in this movie I did not find it very bothering. After all, there are not many horror movies that are 100% medically accurate.

I have not seen the sequel yet but I'm planning on watching it very soon. An even longer human centipede must be incredibly disgusting; therefore, more interesting. 

Personally, I enjoyed watching this movie a lot. It's an absolute ridiculous idea, but I liked it. It's very original and very fucked up. The acting of the 'villain' is absolutely brilliant. 

Unfortunately some of the actors are not that great, this made the movie less enjoyable for me. Also, some parts are just too unbelievable and annoying.

The Human Centipede is definitely not a movie for everyone. You need a very strong stomach and at least a bit of a sense of humor. 

My personal rate: 6,5/10

_________________________________________________________________________________

The Human Centipede II

IMDB rate: 3,9

Genre: Mad Scientist, Torture

Starring: Laurence R. Harvey, Ashlynn Yennie, Maddi Black

If you've read my review about the first Human Centipede, you know that I liked it. It's perhaps the only movie coming from The Netherlands that I truly enjoyed. It's a weird movie, it's disgusting, but it's also original and quite good. As you can imagine I was curious about the sequel, the centipede would be longer so in my opinion that would become even more awesome. But I can only say that I was incredibly wrong. 

The Human Centipede II is a real awful movie. The first movie at least tried to make a believable story, with good effects and reasonable acting. This movie is just shit. It's purely made to shock people, it has absolutely no logic in it at all. 

Martin is a mentally disturbed loner who lives with his mother in a bleak housing project. He works the night shift as a security guard in an equally grim and foreboding underground parking complex. To escape his dreary existence, Martin loses himself in the fantasy world of the cult horror film The Human Centipede, fetishizing the meticulous surgical skills of the gifted Dr. Heiter, whose knowledge of the human gastrointestinal system inspires Martin to attempt the unthinkable. 

The biggest part of this movie is replaying the first movie. This Martin dude is obsessed with it and watches it over and over again, which means, the viewer of the sequel watches it over and over again as well. It's not very refreshing for a movie if it's mostly replaying the first part. 

I'm by the way not too sure what to think of this Martin dude, or the guy who played him. Sure, he was good at acting as a creepy little dude who did some pretty nasty stuff. And he did made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, so I guess for a horror movie that's a good thing. But man, this dude was nasty as hell. His acting might be reasonable, but well, acting is made a lot easier when you don't have to say a word. Really, not one word the entire movie. And I don't think he was a mute, since people complained about 'him talking about the centipede stuff', meaning he talked. 

The script was really crap. Martin didn't talk for the entire movie, and the ones who did talk were incredibly unbelievable. The dialogues are unrealistic, random and mostly weird. This was especially when his mother was involved. A weird scene, involving his mother, was when she starts stabbing his bed where she thought he was laying, a second later she's cutting her wrists and another second later she's acting as if it doesn't hurt her but she does get upset because of a weird book under his bed. It really was one of the most random scenes I've ever seen. 

The movie is incredibly slow. I already mentioned that most of it consists of replaying the first part. The other half consists of a not talking nasty main character who is really fucked up. I literally waited for a hour for something to happen, there were only 32 minutes left when finally something slightly interesting happened. 

This guy is bashing everyone's heads in and still expects them to be alive, at least one of them should have gained a head trauma which caused them to faint every few minutes I think. It's like they didn't even try to be slightly realistic. 

The Human Centipede II is really just made to shock people. The first part actually had a story and wasn't necessarily made for it's gore and violent, while this movie just loves it that much that it forgets to make a decent story. There are very visual images of teeth being bashed in, poop being 'shat at the camera' and rape with barbed wire. At one point I think Tom Six forgot that he was making a sequel to The Human Centipede and just continued in making something like A Serbian Film or something. A Serbian Film at least had some sort of story in it, even though it was sick as fuck. 

It's a shame that this movie is like it is, I think it could've been a reasonable movie. I'm really terrified for the third part after watching this piece of shit. What I liked about the first movie was that almost every scene was filmed in nicely lighted rooms, giving a real twisted vibe because it showed something sick. This movie is filmed entirely in black and white which should make it feel more scary according to Tom Six, but really it just seems amateurish and lame. It was quite bothering really. 

There's absolutely nothing to like about this movie. It's gross and just bad. The first half tells about the mad life of this creepy dude whose gathering people, the other half is just a terrible imitation of A Serbian Film. I'm not even sure if I will ever watch the third movie, it can only become more terrible than this movie. Don't waste your time on this.

My personal rate: 1/10

Friday Night Screening: A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge 1985

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

Letdown sequel and Freddy’s strange obsession to get inside teenage boys

And we’re back with the second entry to the 'Nightmare on Elm Street' saga. And with no other than, according to most, the lowest point in the series, Nightmare on Elm street 2: Freddy’s revenge.

Produced only one year after the original nightmare came out, this is the movie that has fans and critics slamming down their fists in union. But is it as bad as most say? Well, let’s take a look at the plot.

Confused teenager Jesse and his family move to a new house, and it would only be logical that the house would be the same house where Nancy ‘banished’ the dream demon, Freddy Kreuger, and she sure did a lousy job of it, because guess who comes knocking down the walls of Jesse’s dreams? And he wants nothing more than his body for him to play with while they together perform a rendition of the shower scene from 'American History X' with Jesse’s gym teacher and some whips…wait did we just stumbled into a different kind of movie?

Yeah…it’s gonna get weird, but the gist of it is that dear ol’ Fred wants to take over this whiny little bratty kid’s body to…murder around I guess? Ok, fist question here, why does Freddy want to be mortal again? He does know that the last time he was mortal he got burned harder than Taylor Swift at the VMA’s a few years back, there’s the obvious fact that he’ll walk around like a guy that has stuck pancakes to his face, and this time, people will actually be able to waste his scorched ass. I mean, it’s never explained why he was able to haunt kid’s dreams and become practically a god within his own realm, but it sounds like a hell of an upgrade from kiddyfidler groundskeeper to all powerful dream demon that murders all who sleep.

Just seems like a cheap trick have a possession story, but well, beside that gaping plothole, what else can there be said about this movie? Well, ok, disregarding the fact that Fred’s got a death wish, why does he want Jesse in particular? He even says at the beginning that he’s special or something, how is he special? Was he born under the star of plot convenience when all the BS planets were aligned? It’s never explained, Jesse’s got a younger sister, why didn’t Fred go after her? Guessing with his past he’d probably think ’the younger the better’, and kids are much more easily fooled, why didn’t he just show up in her dream as a giant fluffy bunny or goddamn Justin Bieber or whatever.

But no, he wants Jesse, not any other kid in the neighborhood, just him and his awkward teenage romance with the girl next door.

Ah yes, the girlfriend Lisa, played by Kim Myers. She practically carries the movie in the third act, and why isn’t she the main character of the movie? She has a much more interesting personality and she is probably the best girlfriend any one could ever wish for. You start telling about how you have dreams in which you brutally murder left and right? She accepts it and actually tries to help. You think you might have a spiritual connection with a child murderer that has been dead for the better part of the past decade? She believes you and search for a way to sever the connection. I mean really, faithful, helpful, cheery, nice and cute as a button? Do girls like that even exists?

So yeah, the story and the protagonist aren’t exactly the strong points of this movie, so what is?

Well, the effects are nice. Sure, they ain’t as good as the first one, shocker there, but at times they were creative, well, except for when the movie decide to pull a Hitchcock and redo a scene from “Birds” with an extra kamikaze ending. Seriously, exploding birds, what the hell where they thinking?

But for the rest, I guess credit is due where it is, and some of the effects where interesting. One of my favorite being at the very beginning where a school bus is being driven of the road as the landscape changes into a hellish abyss. Pretty neat scenery, but the whole movie does feel a little cheap. But all that good is being ruined by the fact that the first movie did everything a tenfold better, and the things they try to do just seems strange. For example, the entire movie, Freddy doesn’t have his glove, weird right? The knives just come out of the fingertips. I first thought it might be because the glove actually plays in the movie as an object of both rejection and temptation for Jesse, and is actually a physical object in the real world. But then the vodka started to slowly dissolve from my brain and I remembered that the glove was also a physical object in the first movie, where Freddy did have a glove at all times. It might be a small mistake here and there, but piled up, they do tend to piss off viewers.

But did this movie do anything right? In my opinion it did, I really liked the Freddy in this movie, it seemed like he had more of a personality, and even though he wasn’t in the spotlight much, he does get his times worth in the third act, which gives us a nice rest from our other obnoxious main character

But now we come to the big question, the one that had everyone’s jimmies rusted when they saw this flick:

Are the homo-erotic undertones of Nightmare on Elm street 2 there by accident or was this really meant to tackle the subject of homosexual feeling during the coming of age of adolescence?

Well, there’s no question that some of those undertones were blatant, if I can say so. Sure I joked about it earlier with my summary of the plot. But to be fair, this movie deals a lot with sexuality, a lot more than in the first movie, ironic seeing as that no one actually had sexual intercourse in this movie, while in the first movie, the act was very much there early on in the movie to set the stamps on the characters of “the whore” and “the jock”, an almost ritualistic scene in every slasher movie, and above all, Wes Craven movie, who would never pass on the chance to have a cliché to then shine an ironic light on it.

But the fact that this movie deals more openly on the theme of adolescence and sexuality is all well and good, but why are the homo-erotic undertones so blatant? But a better question is, are they really there?

I believe that the homophobia of the modern age might have clouded our mind a bit on that subject, we have been crying wolf for so long that we tend to see them everywhere. I’ll admit that there are some scenes that are very much ‘gay’, there is no disputing about that. Like when half awake, Jesse stumbles into a leather bar and runs into his Gym teacher, who obviously has a ‘Dom’ complex, who makes Jesse exercise in the middle of the night only to lure him to the showers, where he gets his own misfortunate encounter with Freddy. There is no question that this scene was very much ‘gay’, yes. But maybe, and I’m just speculating here, this scene was meant more as a way for Jesse to overcome his father issues and fear of school. The strong, masculine, dominating Gym teacher could almost be a textbook description of how most teenagers saw their own father figures. And the fact that Freddy , through Jesse, actually serves what he deems a ‘just reward’ only proves Jesse’s own obsession with his revolting nature against his own father who is actually a very strict masculine figure.

There are many more questionable scenes, such as Jesse’s disgust toward the prospect of a sexual act with Lisa, but what most seem to miss is why he is revolted. In the scene Jesse and Lisa are getting it on in a private room at a party, when suddenly Jesse’s tongue turns into a misshaped mess of flesh as he was about to use it on her bosoms, which forces our wimpy protagonist to run away in fear to seek comfort at his bro’s house. This was seen by many as very proving of the undertones of the movie. But lost in translation is actually a much deeper scene than that. The fact that Jesse is disgusted in himself, and not Lisa, seems to actually show us that Jesse suffers from a ‘Hedgehog dilemma complex’ rather than homosexual urges. He is not disgusted by the female body, but is actually afraid of hurting Lisa if he ever get this close to her.

So is this movie as Avant-guard in homosexual movement for the slasher genre as everyone is saying?

No, I’m not saying that the gay undertones aren't there, because they are. But I think it comes more from the lack of direction from the director’s part rather than actual intent.

So with all this said and done, is this movie any good? Well, it makes for an interesting tale about coming to terms with adolescence by having a demon literally taking over your body, but it makes for an horrible sequel to Nightmare on Elm Street. But I still don’t think it’s deserving of all the hate it’s getting.

Things I’ve learned from ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street 2, Freddy’s Revenge’

- The ‘Revenge’ part is pretty played down, although the kill count is pretty damn high.

- Jesse’s performance in his bedroom of ‘Touch me’ was still better than Miley Cyrus at the VMA’s.

- Exploding birds invading other movies than ‘Birdemic’

- When a dude breaks into your room in the middle of the night, jumps on you while you’re in bed and put his hand over your mouth while saying that there is something trying to get inside his body so he want to sleep next to you, your reaction shouldn't be calmly giving him relationship advise, no matter the bro-mance

Personal rating: 5/10

Critical rating: 4/10

Freddy Krueger

Kill-count so far:

14 kills

Best Kill in this movie:

Exploding birds

Best kill so far:
Blood geyser 

Friday Night Screening: Two Evil Eyes 1990

Two Evil Eyes

Two heads, one movie, half the effort,  and a sh*tton of apologies to poor ‘ol Eddie Poe

Ah yes, Edgar Allen Poe, once a tragic writer ahead of its time, now but a mere throwaway joke whenever a movie director can’t come up with some original idea.

Yes it seems there are more Poe based movies around than high-schools in anime, well I don’t care if the idea’s been dryer than Conrad Hilton’s tit after a Night In Paris, believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to watch this little mess that we call Two Evil Eyes.

Why? Four words: George A f*king Romero. Now what heresy is this, you might ask, a campy movie reviewer who’s repertoire seems to exists solely on Evil dead 2 jokes, admiring the zombie master himself known as George A Romero? Most unorthodox...wait not really, it actually goes as well hand in hand as a creepy dog owner and peanut butter.

Yes of course I adore anything with the man’s name on it, hell, I’ve even given The Crazies remake a free pass for having his name in the credits (and because it’s actually a pretty good movie). So when I heard he made a movie that flew under everyone’s radar I went nuts and watched the damn thing, and I must say, after having seeing it, I start to see why everyone disregarded it like road kill.

Because there is another half to this otherwise awesome coin, Dario Argento.

Most people seem to actually like the guy, hell, he’s even seen as one of the better horror movie directors out there, personally though? I really don’t like him. Sure I haven’t seen every single one of his movies, but the ones I saw didn’t really catch my eyes or anything, and the guy himself is a complete creep. Now I know he’s probably Italy’s number 1 horror director, but I still need to see more of his work, but after watching this mess of a movie, I’m not sure I really want to, even though I heard that his movie Suspiria should change my mind, but that’s for another time in the future.

But despite my less than favorable view on the man, I’m just one guy and obviously not someone who was asked if it was a good idea to put these two directors in the same room with an Edgar Allan Poe novel.

So two movies for the price of one, what could go wrong?

The first story, directed by Romero, is a recreation of “The facts in the case of Mr. Valdemar”, a story an unlikable wife who cheats of her unlikable dying husband Valdemar with an unlikable doctor. Gees, talk about screwing you’re affair on your husband’s dying bed.

Well, it might come as no surprise that the characters aren’t the main driving point here seeing as they could easily been rewritten with top hats and monocles  and make a guest appearance in Captain Planet trying to drown baby seals in oil or whatever the hell happened on that show. What really gets this story going is that the unlikable wife has to keep her husband alive long enough to get the green the old geezer is sleeping on , unfortunately said task prove to be difficult as he trades his wardrobe for a red shirt and bites the dust faster than you can say ‘gold digger’. Fortunately the doctor had Valdemar under hypnosis at the time of dead, and it seems to have created a mortal loophole leaving the old man in-between worlds. It’s only when the spirits from the other side get tired of this cast of assh*les and decide to take control of the dead body and go on a rampage that the story really picks up its pace.

The second story, by Dario Argento, is none other than “The Black Cat”, a great story and a really sick and twisted look into the human creativity.

The movie however? Weird as hell, we follow Harvey Keitel playing a freelance photographer who’s girlfriend’s cat is driving insane. That’s about it without going into spoiler territory, however, if you read the story, you know it doesn’t end well for anyone.

All right, my thought on the first movie, The facts in the case of Mr Valdemar? All right at best.

One of the many problems is the fact that the story is amazingly slow, and the good part doesn’t come till the last five minutes or so, and of course Romero found a way to work some zombies in there somewhere. But yeah, as a standalone movie, it’s good, the characters are unlikable, sure, but their motives are clear and the situation they find themselves in is enjoyable to watch. And the ending is actually rewarding.

However, then we come to the point where I find myself obligated to talk about the Argento part.

The only way I can describe it, is as a putrid aftertaste to an already bland cake with some little chocolate bits here and there.

I’m really not a fan of it, it might be the confusing plot, the cruel and strange tone, or the throwaway characters.

The vibe is very weird, I guess that the story of a man going slowly insane should feel uneasy and weird, but I’m getting an overall feel of “Overtrying artsy-ness”.

The plot is all over the place, and a medieval dream sequence didn’t help my confusion, and you have to sink pretty low to make Hervey Keitel act like he’s got astick up his ass (Watch the movie, you’ll get the joke).

But yeah, this part has some pretty big names, mainly Harvey Keitel who’s an amazing actor, and even…wait, is that Darla, Julie Benz? And he gave her the role of an extra? Damn you Argento, and you wonder why we can’t get along?

But even with the best actor, this part just seems to fall flat. And here’s another thing, I once said that the theme of the slow decent into madness is one of my favorite subject, seeing as my all-time favorite movie focuses heavily on this aspect, the decadence of the soul is something I am very well accustom to, and it never seems to amaze me nonetheless. So this should be a feast for my eyes, but I the story is just too confusing, letting you hope for a higher meaning, a touch of symbolism, but the movie just never delivers and never goes the extra mile to draw you in and keep you invested in either the characters or the setting. Cruel, confusing and never deeper than the bottom of my shoe, that’s it in a nutshell if you can take my word for it.

So if you decide to watch this movie, take your time with the first one, the effects and story are rewarding in the end, but go ahead and skip the second one.

Things I’ve learned from Two Evil Eyes:

- The ‘Ripley’ hairdo made you irresistible in the 80s.

- This movie has the worse opening theme ever.

- Zombies don’t need lip sinc

- When the door open and a bunch of elves call you out to follow them, it’s probably best to lay off the liquor for a while.

- Nearly murdering an entire room of cops by acting like a dumbass to get some good pictures of half a naked chick is shrugged off by the officers like a minor inconvenience.

- In hindsight, going out with a guy who takes daily pictures of mutilated corpses wasn’t such a fresh idea to start with.

Personal rating: 5

Critical rating: 5.5

Tusk (2014)

Tusk

IMDB rate: 5,6

Genre: Comedic, Monster, Mad Scientist

Starring: Justin Long, Michael Parks, Johnny Depp, Haley Joel Smith
My rate: 3,5/10

Kevin Smith, also known as Silent Bob, just made a step further into the horror genre. I am a huge fan of his movies Clerks and Dogma. I even thought Red State was a fairly good movie, although it's not comedic in any way, which isn't much like Kevin Smith's usual work. With the Tusk trailer being released I must say that I was somewhat excited to see it, mainly because it seemed pretty ridiculous and kinda fun as well, plus it was made by Kevin Smith. I must say that it was a pretty ridiculous movie indeed, but unfortunately it was not funny at any point. There are movies that are 'so bad, it's good', I expected Tusk to be one of them but unfortunately this wasn't the case at all. I don't necessarily think every Kevin Smith movie is good, some I didn't enjoy very much such as as Chasing Amy. But with Tusk I must say that it definitely Kevin Smith's worst movie. The worst part? It's being made into a trilogy. 

Unfortunately the movie is not funny at any point. Okay, maybe once or twice I had a little chuckle, but really that's about it. It's filled with Canadian jokes, which weren't very original or funny at any moment. The big attraction to this movie is of course big star Johnny Depp who plays a weird Canadian detective, his character is pretty much constructed from every Canadian-stereotype you can think of, which is pretty tiresome after awhile. I must admit that in the first few minutes of Guy Lapointe's appearance I didn't recognize Johnny Depp, but after awhile his usual acting habits appeared and it became pretty obvious that the guy was Johnny Depp. 

I must say that for a long while I claimed that my favorite actor of all time was Johnny Depp, but the last few years his movies have been rubbish. The last fun movie I've seen of him are the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' ones and that's already quite some time ago (I don't count the fourth one, didn't like that one very much). I do like his older work a lot though, movies as Edward Scissorhands, Chocolat, Finding Neverland and Sleepy Hollow. The reason why I think I don't like him a whole lot anymore is because of the characters he plays. He always plays the weird ones, which was fun for awhile but now it's just becoming normal. Johnny Depp in another weird character, whoop'difuckingdoo.

The Tusk cast is pretty nice, the crazy Walrus man is being played by Michael Parks (Kill Bill, Red State, Django Unchained), not a bad actor at all and he has a magnificent voice. The problem with his voice however is that Kevin Smith seems to enjoy it as well, meaning that the dialogues spoken by Michael Parks are pretty much never-ending, which was also the case with Red State. Other roles are played by Justin Long (Accepted, Jeepers Creepers) who plays the ultimate douchebag, I don't hate him as an actor though. A surprising face to see was Haley Joel Osment, the cute little kid from Sixth Sense. However, he's not very cute anymore, still a good actor though.

Kevin Smith was always a writer that added a lot of dialogue into his movies, but the last few movies have contained more of a background story as well. I think he's trying to reach Quentin Tarantino's level with this kind of movie-making. The problem is that Kevin Smith just does not seem to be very good in creating the background story. Tusk almost seems like a parody to the Human Centipede, which isn't necessarily a bad concept, but it just didn't work out at all. When the transformation is complete is looks somewhat unsettling, but is in no way as disturbing as the Human Centipede.

I already mentioned this but Tusk will be followed by two sequels, which will be part of the 'True North' collection. The next installment is 'Yoga Hosers' with the main characters being played by Depp's and Smith's daughters. These two were also briefly in Tusk, and as far I could tell they weren't good actresses at all. They seemed very awkward and I just can't imagine the two being main characters. The third installment is 'Moose Jaws', which doesn't sound very promising either.

I heard rumors that this trilogy is only being made because Kevin Smith needed some money to be able to make Clerks 3, and I truly hope that this is the case. I am a big fan of Clerks and a third movie would be awesome. Even though I'm looking forward to Clerks 3, Tusk was definitely not a success for Kevin Smith and I doubt the next two part will be better. The movie has a good cast which solid acting skills, the dialogue is perhaps a bit long but not bad or anything. Unfortunately the whole concept of Tusk is horrible, the walrus is weird looking, the movie isn't funny and the characters are highly irritating. 

Friday Night Screening: Blood Freak 1972

Blood Freak

The greatest thanksgiving movie ever made

Well, I’ll be damned. I heard about this movie a while ago and the sheer idiocy of the plot seemed right in my alley. But after watching it I’m not entirely sure it’s all that it’s cracked up to be.

Blood freak, released in 1972 by Brad Grinter and starring Steve Hawkes in a role that to this day he still cries about every chance he gets.

But what draw me to this movie in the first place? It might have something to do with the fact that this movie is a mostly Christian anti-drug PSA about a man doing drugs and turning into a giant blood-drinking monster turkey, and don’t worry, it’s only gonna get weirder from here on out.

Herschel, played by Steve “I use to be Tarzan but now I play a junky were-turkey” Hawkes, meets a girl on the highway in need of help with her car. Well, at least I think that’s what’s happening because there is no dialogue and the whole thing is shot from a mile and a half away as if the camera man had a unexplained fear of the actors realizing the sheer stupidity of the script and going into a rage filled rampage (which let’s face it, is pretty understandable). And without the slightest bit of explanation, in the next scene Herschel is in the girl’s house to, and I kid you not, study the bible.

Yeah, subtle isn’t it. Wanna know the kicker? Guess the girl’s name, allow me to ruin the expectation, it’s Angel. This movie is as subtle with it’s religious undertones as John Travolta in Battlefield earth.

Thankfully, Angel’s sister just so happen to throw a pretty tame 70’s drug party to save Herschel from his dreaded fate, which involves blue balls of catastrophically proportion and a whole lot of bible reciting. The sister decides that she just needs that hunk of a man made of complete and utter blandness and acting skills of a lobotomized badger. She goes about this by making him do the most unthinkable thing…making him smoke pot to get him hooked, oh the humanity. I might get back to this but if you’re trying to get someone so dependent that he literally needs you, you might wanna start off with something stronger than the bland salad of the drugs family. But anyway, the sister gets him hooked all while Angel gets him a job at a turkey farm that somehow has an evil laboratory with mad scientists who wants to use him as guinea pig for their evil turkey experiment. Take that, common sense and civic duties!

Anyway, they make Herschel eat a turkey as one of their experiment and he finds himself change into the terrifying turkey-man, well, only his head…I guess the plan was to have a whole suit but at the budget hearing, they might have realized they only had the money for the mask. Anyway, it’s not that violent of a transformation, and seeing as that he keeps all of his common sense and everyone seems to be pretty okayish with his new headgear, you might understand my confusion when Herschel the amazing 1-dollar Halloween costume, starts to randomly murder junkies and dealers in cold blood like the world’s worse rehab trainer enthusiast. The movie tries to explain his antics as a part from his addiction, so when he started to drink blood of his victims I was inclined to scream at the screen the literal million other ways a giant turkey-faced man could get the drugs, but well, then it wouldn’t be Blood-freak, now would it?

So yeah, this movie’s plot is completely off the wall, and since I decided not to spoil the whole flick, believe me when I say it only becomes more absurd as the movie goes on.

But that’s what we’re here for right? Return of the killer tomatoes wouldn’t have been as big a hit if it would have been about aliens, The Room wouldn’t have been the same without Wiseau’s complete non-understanding of the medium. The sillier the better, so why do I feel so let down by this movie?

Well, let’s take a look at it from a purely technical viewpoint. The movie is a mess. A complete and utter underwhelming train-wreck of blandness and cut corners. First I need to explain how the making of this movie went, when in the previous paragraph I made fun of their budget hearing I was only half kidding, when halfway through making this movie, Brad Grinter showed his investors what he had been working on, they packed up and left. I’m serious, it’s that bad, and now left without any money and forced to pay everything from his own pocket, Grinter put this Frankenstein monster of a movie together on a pretty much non-existent budget. And before you ask, no, I’ve never heard of a movie where all the investors literally ran away fleeing a project halfway through. But it does explain the drop in quality halfway through involving all the murder scenes, and even the scenes that seemed to have been somewhat planned properly feel like watching a recital at an eight grader’s play. The effects are awful, what little there are, the whole transformation scene is done offscreen. There is one interesting scene later on in the movie where someone gets his leg cut off, and I give the movie credit for using an actual amputee for that scene, making me realize that there was at least one person that had an idea on how to cut corners without bringing the whole movie down. The props, or should I say, the prop is simply laughable, the first time you see the turkey-faced monster waddle about in all it’s confusing atrocity, it’ll get a chuckle out of you. It’s obvious the mask didn’t have any eyeholes when you see the actor inside hopelessly trying to reach awkwardly for everything he comes across to keep his balance. Most of his scenes are thankfully shot in the dark, where the thing is hard to see, but then again, the rest of the movie is shot so awfully that I’m not sure if it’s an artistic decision or just one more blunder to add to the mess. While on the subject, the editing is some of the worse I’ve seen in a long time. Every scene goes on for too long and then some just to make sure it wore out its welcome. One scream is used for all the victims and set in a loop, which is hilarious for the first few times but quickly loses its charm and becomes obnoxious. The same sound is used every time the turkey-man is on screen, and no, I don’t mean a theme, I mean the sound you hear in that stupid turning chipmunk video that was a ‘thing’ a few years ago. After a while you just start to wonder if they’re just taking the piss out of the viewer.

But the final nail in this rotting mess that once used to be the concept long lost of something that had to resemble a movie is the acting. Now bad acting can make or break a movie, nowhere is this more true that in a bad B-movie. There are multiple levels of awful acting, the over-actor that screams all his lines with bulging eyes saying ‘I signed up for this piece of sh*t, might as well have some fun with it, it’s not like I have a career to kill anyway’, those are often my favorite. There is also the ‘out of this world’ horrendous acting that just mesmerize you. And then there’s this movie’s acting, the bland kind, also the worse kind. Nobody in this movie gave a crap, this is what the first day recital looks like, not the finished product. It’s just painful because instead of being funny-bad, it becomes boring-bad, the worse sin any movie can ever make. Even Hershel who’s supposed to be the big shot actor stumbles around the set like you just told him his puppy died. I guess if I’d seen the script beforehand I’d be sad too, but damn. Not one actor reaches beyond the level of cardboard, not even an extra, not even the goddarn turkeys at the farm, even they look bored as sh*t!

But now, we get to the big issue. What the hell were the people making this movie thinking making an Anti-drug flick, and is it really?

The obvious Christian undertones are pretty out there, so no need to touch on those, but I’ll admit that if this movie is really about drugs, it sure got a confused lesson. If you try to take a job in society you’ll end up as a turkey monster, it’s better to do nothing all day long and smoke pot? But even then, for a movie that tries to teach you about the dangers of drugs, it sure as hell didn’t do it’s research. The sheer non-understanding of the drugs used in this movie makes it adorable to the level of Reefer Madnes.

Throughout the movie, some scenes end abruptly and you find yourself at a table with someone who reads you about things, I guess he was supposed to talk into the camera but his constant obvious eye shifting downward to read the script makes it hard to call this anything close to ‘acting’ .

In the beginning I didn’t pay much attention, the guy was nonchalantly smoking his cigarette while spewing some cryptic nonsense and we found ourselves back to the movie before we could ask ourselves what the hell that was all about. The guy would pop up every once in a while and his message would make a slight bit more sense than the last (might have to do with the fact that near the second half of this movie, I got slightly more hammered as the movie progressed). Later I learned that the strange man was no other than Brad Grinter himself. I was ready to dismiss this movie as just a boring attempt at making people realize the dangers of drugs and make a comment about the man telling us how harmful drugs were while smoking a cigarette when the ending hit me (not the first ending, I’m talking about the third, there’s one more after that, yeah…this movie has more ending than return of the king). The man started to cough, it seems like something small, but with the concept of the movie and the fact that he was smoking while filming his takes it was pretty hilarious, but it went on just short of him standing up, doing a little dance number while singing about us getting the joke. That made me think, was this movie meant as a joke? A parody of the anti-drug genre? I saw the movie in a complete different light, yes, it was very well possible, it nearly seemed logical. Nobody sane would make a movie like this as an anti-drug. So yeah, if this movie is a straight up parody on how silly all those anti-drugs PSA’s are getting, then yeah, this might as well be seen as a goddamn masterpiece.

"Brad Grinter and his infamous smoking speeches"

But I don’t think it is. See, the clue lies in when this movie was made. 1972, the heyday of free sex and drugs, people weren’t bothered with the flower people, it’s only with the advance of diseases like AIDS and other awful threats that the Anti-drug movement got a major go at especially American entertainment. It was only in the eighties and nineties that the movement was everywhere and Mr T and Peewee were telling us about crack. So either Grinter can see into the future, he made a parody of something that wasn’t relevant yet or he was seriously thinking he could do something about the drug situation by making people scared of giant turkey-headed killer. I like to think it’s the latter, in which case, brownie points for the good intentions but zero on the execution.

But take your pick, it’s my personal theory, maybe you’ll see something else. But all I saw at the end was a boring and lazy movie, if it’s just the premise that draws you, believe me when I say it’s not worth it.

Things I've learned from Blood Freak:
- An actual turkey was beheaded for the sake of this movie, PETA's having a stroke somewhere
- I love how in the IMDb page, only three characters actually have names...interesting
- I wanna work at a turkey farm, all the turkey you can it for the name of SCIENCE!
- I'll try not to spoil the ending but it did teach me how to write a lazy and out of nowhere way to all have it working in the end...f*ck the ending is what i'm trying to say.

Critical rating: 2,5

Personal rating: 2