The Orphanage / El Orfanato (2007)

The Orphanage (El Orfanato) 

IMDB rate: 7,5

Genre: Ghost

Starring: Belén Rueda, Fernando Cayo, Roger Príncep

As you might know, or perhaps not know, The Orphanage is another one of my favorite movies. Every time I watch it I see other details which is amazing. I can not get enough of this movie. I love the fairytale elements in it. It gives an effect to this movie that you would not expect. Maybe not the scariest of them all, but definitely a very impressive movie :).

When you watch the movie for the first time, you might not completely get it. It's certainly recommendable to watch it at least two times. The movie contains two story lines. And sometimes it's hard to focus on the both of them. Many things are happening in this movie, and while you might not notice each thing in the beginning, all the pieces will fall together in the end. 

Laura, a former orphan, raises her adopted son Simon together with her husband Carlos in an old house and former orphanage where she was raised. While at the orphanage Simon tells Laura that he has five invisible friends which she believes are a product of his active imagination. Laura decides to reopen the orphanage to cater for disabled children and throws a party. During the party Simon tries to persuade Laura to go and take a look at his friends cabin but she's too busy. Later on she sees a mysterious masked boy and realizes that Simon has also disappeared. Laura feels the presence of other people in the house and months later Laura invites a team of parapsychologists to try to unravel the mystery.

I'm not sure if this movie can qualify as a horror movie. It has some ghost elements in it, but in the end I don't think many people find it a real horror movie. There are a few jump scares but not major ones. This movie contains the pretty scary but standard elements like bumping noises and scary kids with masks suddenly showing up, but at the same time it also contains modern touches, like a positive HIV test. In my opinion this movie digs a lot deeper in the story line than any other horror movie I know. Most horror movies have a pretty standard formula, and The Orphanage expanded that a lot in my opinion. The thing I liked the most about this movie was the Peter Pan elements in it. It was not the big line of the story but it was a nice small touch to it. This movie has a perfect combination between creepy and beautiful. Which seems to be a weird combination, but fits perfectly into this movie.

The acting in this movie is amazing. Belén Rueda plays the main character 'Laura', and not one moment you think her actings looks fake. While the movie contains many different elements, it all feels real. Another good acting performance was by Fernando Cayo, who plays Laura's husband Carlos and while he has not a big part in this movie, it's a real good performance. The little boy Simon is played by Roger Príncep, and he is really adorable, and for such a young kid, he's quite good in acting. I hope we'll see him again in other movies.

There are many beautiful symbolic moments in this movie. For example, at the beginning you see Carlos play all kinds of different songs on the piano, without hesitating a second. After the disappearance of Simon, he is sitting behind the piano, but he can't play anymore. I love how they well they pictured emptiness, without saying a word about it.

The Orphanages building is beautifully found, and however the interior is not actually filmed in it, you often see the exterior of the building. While it's an amazing building, it scary at the same time. It's huge but also old. When filmed inside the scary feeling becomes even stronger. It's funny that the right sound-mixing can make a 'simple' building scary. The atmosphere of this movie is very somber and that's what gives this movie it's strength. If the story didn't give you goosebumps yet, the atmosphere of the movie definitely will.

In these types of movies there is always something that doesn't fit in the puzzle. And I can understand people who don't like this movie because of the unfitting puzzle pieces. There are many different theories about these 'unfitting pieces' and while I agree with many of them, I don't want to dig deeper in a movie that I like. Personally I didn't mind it too much with this movie.

If you like ghosts movies, this is definitely the one to watch. Or perhaps, if you like puzzle movies. I've seen many reviews of people who don't like horror movies, but loved this one. I personally love this movie, and it's really one of my favorite movies ever.

My personal rate: 9,5/10

Friday Night Screening: Sinister 2012

Sinister

The killing ‘meh’

Well, about time I review a recent horror movie, last one I did turned out to be about musical chairs, so let’s hope that this one has something resembling a storyline.

It might be easy to notice that I’m not that big of a fan of Hollywood and it’s money-whoring habits at the moment, sure there is some gold to be found while searching trough  pop artists who’s balls haven’t dropped yet and shitty teen drama romance that makes my gag reflexes strongly react to its sheer stupidity every time someone chooses for the sparkling twat.

But the gold is there, horror movies like Mama and even the Evil Dead remake (didn’t hate it, I’ll probably explain further my opinion someday, hold your pitchforks at bay people) give me hope that there is yet a chance that this storm that surrounds our movie theaters  will soon come to pass.

But where was I? Oh yeah, the highly praised “Sinister”, Scariest movie of 2012 and all other great talk, bout time I give that bad boy a watch.

“Totally not Jack Nicholson from the Shining” obsessed horror writer Ellison Oswalt decides that it would be a kick-ass idea for his children to grow up in a murder house, why? So he can write a book about the horrible murder of an entire family that happened not that long ago. A troubled probably alcoholic writer obsessed with getting his story no matter what? You sure Stephen King didn’t write this one? Unfortunately not, but moving on. A strange box keeps appearing in the house bearing a strange collection of 8mm films, our dear buddy Oswalt decides to give it a watch and ends up strung along in a conspiracy about a demonic psychopath’s picnic and pool party with a very dark twist.

First thoughts about this movie? The atmosphere was okay, the characters two dimensional and the acting was bearable, and given there are some kid actors in this one, it’s quite the compliment.

But did it make me soil my panties and run in fear screaming like a little b*tch? Seeing as that my neighbors haven’t yet called the cops complaining about a maniac running down the street screaming something about the lead guitarist of Slipknot being out to get him, I’ll have to say ‘oh sweet mamma with a cherry on top hells no with a capital N.

Predictable cheap jump scares, running annoying little ghost brats and a (even more) psychotic Mick Thompson, come on guys, gotta try harder than that.

The story was okay I guess, the only real scare factor in this movie were the tapes, that sometimes are just plain disturbing, and that was great, it’s just a shame that the idea bucket ran out around halfway through the movie and they decided to go down in cliché avenue with a quick stop at Boreville.

I’m perhaps being a little too rough with Sinister, also seeing as it was partially written by another internet critic C. Robert Cargill from Spill it should be at least able to avoid the common horror clichés, But for a movie as praised as this one, it’s unforgiving, It didn’t really bring anything new to the table, and even though the video viewing parts were great and grainy, and the twist at the end was pretty obvious but still enjoyable, it didn’t raise the bar or even tried to.

Overall not really a bad movie, but the constant praise were highly exaggerated and left me with only one word in my mouth, Mhe…

Things I’ve learned from “Sinister”:

- Possibly the best missed opportunity for a “I heard the pool party kinda died after I went home” joke

- Painting on the wall is cute and all, until the axe comes into play.

- How to mow your lawn like a OH GOD WTF WAS THAT??

- Always watch the last parts of a video


                                                                  Personal rating: 6

Critical rating: 6.5

Friday Night Screening: Jack in the Box 2008

Jack In The Box

‘Musical Chair Of Death’ , let’s hope they don’t try ‘Twister Of Torments’ next.

I’m not kidding, that’s actually a thing, you take a kids game, and with enough meth and absinth you can come up with a horror movie about that game. After such stupidities as ‘Battleship’ I really thought we had hit rock bottom when it comes to movie ideas, but nope, as always, I was wrong. People, I give you jigsaw’s version of the musical chairs: Jack In The Box.

Now, what has this 2008 horror movie to do with the title? A 30 seconds scene at the beginning of some woman who we’ll never see again giving her demonic child a jack in the box. Yup, that’s it, nothing else. So what is this movie really about? Musical chair! But wait, it’s musical chair from HELL!

Six unlucky wannabe actors find themselves stuck in a basement thinking they were going to an audition, with a dirty hobo who only talks in riddles an rhymes and seems to have lost his marbles. The six prisoners (who have the same name as their actors, that’s either genius or just laziness) quickly discover they are in the game of their lives when the music starts playing from a ‘Felix the cat’ clock on the wall and the hobo shows them that they have to play the musical chairs with him.  

The loser gets the consolation prize of slow agonizing death (joy) and it becomes a tension building horror as they wait for the music to play again.

With movies like these, where the protagonists are stuck the entire movie in the same room, the whole thing needs to rely heavily on dialogue. What’s the main problem with Jack In The Box? The dialogue isn’t that great. You can tell the writers were really trying, but they just weren’t that good. No character has an interesting story to tell. There wasn’t a single memorable line in this entire movie, ok except “someone’s gonna sh8t some splinters…”, that one was pretty hilarious, only for the fact that they actually try to make it sound badass. I won’t give this movie too much sh8t, because writing dialogue is one of the hardest things to do with a movie, let alone one where the dialogue is the only thing driving the movie. However, choosing to do so was still a stupid idea, points for trying, sure, but it doesn’t make the movie any better. It doesn’t help either that they killed off my favorite as second, still kind of pissed about that.

Although, one interesting aspect of this movie is that it is shot in real time…ish, kinda. Every ten minutes the creepy Felix clock decides to drop some sick beats and our unfortunate heroes have to dance for their lives, which means ten minutes of exposition every time someone gets offed, great….

It wouldn’t be so bad that the dialogue isn’t worth much if the actors would give it their all, which they really don’t. Most of them sound tired or like if they rather be in a much better movie

The story is a complete mess also, if you thought for even one second you’ll get answers at some point in this movie, then I’m sorry for you. The movie drops hints here and there of possible connections between the victims of the identity of their captor, but seems to quickly forget how to tell a story and goes back to pointless expositions about the characters backstories that has nothing to do with anything.

Yet…I don’t hate it.

I know, I know, it’s badly acted and the story is beyond stupid, not to mention it bit off way more than it could chew. But I still felt the need to keep watching to see who would survive. It’s no torture porn like Saw, there’s barely any blood in it, which is pretty interesting on its own.

So yeah, not a great movie by any means, stupid as hell premise, but it didn’t bore me and I didn’t hate it as much as I should have.

But seriously, what’s next? Spin the bottle and die? Hungry Hungry Psycho’s? Truth or death? BattleGhostShip? Tag with knives? What the hell guys?

Things I’ve learned from Jack in the Box:

- Next time a friend invites you to play scrabbles, bring a effin gun.

- When William White tries to sound angry, he totally goes Solid Snake on us.

- This isn’t really something I’ve learned, but why didn’t they just stay seated? I mean, one guy does it and he isn’t disqualified or anything, hell, he even survives that round. As for that matter, why did they give away a chair every time someone lost? It’s not like they have to, just push the hobo in a corner or knock his ass out, and stay seated with the six of you until the end. It just seemed kind of…you know, pointless?

Personal rating: 5.2

Critical rating: 4.5

Friday Night Screening: Two Evil Eyes 1990

Two Evil Eyes

Two heads, one movie, half the effort,  and a sh*tton of apologies to poor ‘ol Eddie Poe

Ah yes, Edgar Allen Poe, once a tragic writer ahead of its time, now but a mere throwaway joke whenever a movie director can’t come up with some original idea.

Yes it seems there are more Poe based movies around than high-schools in anime, well I don’t care if the idea’s been dryer than Conrad Hilton’s tit after a Night In Paris, believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to watch this little mess that we call Two Evil Eyes.

Why? Four words: George A f*king Romero. Now what heresy is this, you might ask, a campy movie reviewer who’s repertoire seems to exists solely on Evil dead 2 jokes, admiring the zombie master himself known as George A Romero? Most unorthodox...wait not really, it actually goes as well hand in hand as a creepy dog owner and peanut butter.

Yes of course I adore anything with the man’s name on it, hell, I’ve even given The Crazies remake a free pass for having his name in the credits (and because it’s actually a pretty good movie). So when I heard he made a movie that flew under everyone’s radar I went nuts and watched the damn thing, and I must say, after having seeing it, I start to see why everyone disregarded it like road kill.

Because there is another half to this otherwise awesome coin, Dario Argento.

Most people seem to actually like the guy, hell, he’s even seen as one of the better horror movie directors out there, personally though? I really don’t like him. Sure I haven’t seen every single one of his movies, but the ones I saw didn’t really catch my eyes or anything, and the guy himself is a complete creep. Now I know he’s probably Italy’s number 1 horror director, but I still need to see more of his work, but after watching this mess of a movie, I’m not sure I really want to, even though I heard that his movie Suspiria should change my mind, but that’s for another time in the future.

But despite my less than favorable view on the man, I’m just one guy and obviously not someone who was asked if it was a good idea to put these two directors in the same room with an Edgar Allan Poe novel.

So two movies for the price of one, what could go wrong?

The first story, directed by Romero, is a recreation of “The facts in the case of Mr. Valdemar”, a story an unlikable wife who cheats of her unlikable dying husband Valdemar with an unlikable doctor. Gees, talk about screwing you’re affair on your husband’s dying bed.

Well, it might come as no surprise that the characters aren’t the main driving point here seeing as they could easily been rewritten with top hats and monocles  and make a guest appearance in Captain Planet trying to drown baby seals in oil or whatever the hell happened on that show. What really gets this story going is that the unlikable wife has to keep her husband alive long enough to get the green the old geezer is sleeping on , unfortunately said task prove to be difficult as he trades his wardrobe for a red shirt and bites the dust faster than you can say ‘gold digger’. Fortunately the doctor had Valdemar under hypnosis at the time of dead, and it seems to have created a mortal loophole leaving the old man in-between worlds. It’s only when the spirits from the other side get tired of this cast of assh*les and decide to take control of the dead body and go on a rampage that the story really picks up its pace.

The second story, by Dario Argento, is none other than “The Black Cat”, a great story and a really sick and twisted look into the human creativity.

The movie however? Weird as hell, we follow Harvey Keitel playing a freelance photographer who’s girlfriend’s cat is driving insane. That’s about it without going into spoiler territory, however, if you read the story, you know it doesn’t end well for anyone.

All right, my thought on the first movie, The facts in the case of Mr Valdemar? All right at best.

One of the many problems is the fact that the story is amazingly slow, and the good part doesn’t come till the last five minutes or so, and of course Romero found a way to work some zombies in there somewhere. But yeah, as a standalone movie, it’s good, the characters are unlikable, sure, but their motives are clear and the situation they find themselves in is enjoyable to watch. And the ending is actually rewarding.

However, then we come to the point where I find myself obligated to talk about the Argento part.

The only way I can describe it, is as a putrid aftertaste to an already bland cake with some little chocolate bits here and there.

I’m really not a fan of it, it might be the confusing plot, the cruel and strange tone, or the throwaway characters.

The vibe is very weird, I guess that the story of a man going slowly insane should feel uneasy and weird, but I’m getting an overall feel of “Overtrying artsy-ness”.

The plot is all over the place, and a medieval dream sequence didn’t help my confusion, and you have to sink pretty low to make Hervey Keitel act like he’s got astick up his ass (Watch the movie, you’ll get the joke).

But yeah, this part has some pretty big names, mainly Harvey Keitel who’s an amazing actor, and even…wait, is that Darla, Julie Benz? And he gave her the role of an extra? Damn you Argento, and you wonder why we can’t get along?

But even with the best actor, this part just seems to fall flat. And here’s another thing, I once said that the theme of the slow decent into madness is one of my favorite subject, seeing as my all-time favorite movie focuses heavily on this aspect, the decadence of the soul is something I am very well accustom to, and it never seems to amaze me nonetheless. So this should be a feast for my eyes, but I the story is just too confusing, letting you hope for a higher meaning, a touch of symbolism, but the movie just never delivers and never goes the extra mile to draw you in and keep you invested in either the characters or the setting. Cruel, confusing and never deeper than the bottom of my shoe, that’s it in a nutshell if you can take my word for it.

So if you decide to watch this movie, take your time with the first one, the effects and story are rewarding in the end, but go ahead and skip the second one.

Things I’ve learned from Two Evil Eyes:

- The ‘Ripley’ hairdo made you irresistible in the 80s.

- This movie has the worse opening theme ever.

- Zombies don’t need lip sinc

- When the door open and a bunch of elves call you out to follow them, it’s probably best to lay off the liquor for a while.

- Nearly murdering an entire room of cops by acting like a dumbass to get some good pictures of half a naked chick is shrugged off by the officers like a minor inconvenience.

- In hindsight, going out with a guy who takes daily pictures of mutilated corpses wasn’t such a fresh idea to start with.

Personal rating: 5

Critical rating: 5.5