Friday Night Screening: Killer Pussy 2004

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Teeth (2007)

Teeth

IMDB rate: 5,6

Genre: Comedic, Monster

Because Loan can't post something today I decided to pick one of the weird movies and post it for him, so you won't have to miss out the Friday-weirdness-review-day ;D.

Wow, some weird movie. I think this might make some guys frightened for girls huh?

I quite enjoyed watching this movie. It's funny, ridiculous and somehow frightening. That's the kind of movie that I like.

I don't really get why the rating is that low because it's really not a movie that you need to take seriously. Lighten up, Teeth is quite an enjoyable movie.

Dawn grows up in the shadow of a nuclear power plant. In high school, while her biology class studies evolution, she realizes she may have a hidden curse, an "adaption." She lives with her mom, step-father, and hard-edged step-brother. She likes Tobey, a guy at school, and he likes her. She takes a pledge to remain chaste until marriage, so they date in groups, watch G-rated films, and don't kiss, but the power of teen hormones is great, so temptation beckons. Dawn has an admirer in Ryan, and when things have an unexpected twist with Tobey, she turns to Ryan for help. Will he be her mythical hero and rescue her? or can she find her way as her own hero, turning the curse into an asset?

I think Teeth is a very funny movie. It's not a movie that's so-bad-it's-good, it's really good. The movie also actually tells a story. It's a movie that's basically about a killer-vagina, how can that ever be good, you ask? Well, that might be quite hard to reach. But, this movie actually does it. It's very subtle humor, but also with a good twist of horror.

The characters are quite believable. Some girl that saves her body for marriage fails miserably because of her teen hormones. Not very strange. Also, guys who have too much hormones, not very strange either. These characters actually have dimension in them, even though it's quite hard to believe.

I think this movie might be quite hard to watch for some guys. I know that some guys even react themselves when they see that someone else gets kicked into his nuts. So imagine what happens when it's all being bitten off in the heat of the moment...

It's pretty disturbing, even though you don't see much of it.

Teeth is quite an original movie. It's a teen-flick with some nastiness in it. When you know the deal about this movie the surprise is a bit gone. From then on it's mainly about a teen girl trying to overcome her problems and casually bites a penis off once in a while.

Now for the guys, here's a fun link for you!

I remember the first time I saw this movie, and I just had one big WTF-moment. I found it a very funny but very weird movie. And to be honest, it still hasn't changed. I do enjoy watching this movie though. It's very original, with decent acting and a good storyline. I definitely recommend watching this movie.

My personal rate: 7,5/10

Friday Night Screening: Rabid Grannies 1988

Rabid Grannies

The Belgium grandma massacre

You just know that with a title like this, this one’s gonna get interesting. We’ve seen robo-geisha’s, plenty ‘o brain devouring undead and even killer festivities, but the day we’d be looking at a movie in which two grannies possessed by the goddamn devil go on a rampage was a long time coming.

I actually picked this movie up in my favorite second-hand store filled to the brim with movies right into my alley for two reasons. One was obviously the title, but the second was the name that was shamelessly plastered all over the dvd-case: Iloyd Kaufman. For those living under a rock, or actually go outside and have a life, Kaufman is the mind behind TROMA, a company known for some pretty amazing stuff including ‘Surf nazis must die!’ and ‘The toxic avenger’ (for those who still have no idea what I’m on about, he was the guy that cameo’d in JamesGunns’s ‘Guardian of the Galaxy’). Needless to say I’m a fan, so picking it up I hoped this little gem would turn out to be one of Kaufman’s lovechild.  But as it turned out, ‘Rabid Grannies’ was only distributed by TROMA in the United States, but well, it’s still a pretty entertaining flick despite that.

The story is pretty self-explanatory, a family of unlikable asshats attend to the birthday of their rich grandmothers. Every member of the family, knowing the two sweet old ladies won’t be around for much longer, has one goal and one goal only, getting the best spot on the will. Now that would be awful and despicable enough, if the black sheep of the family, a satanic murderer, didn’t send his own gift in the form of a McGuffin that turns the two grannies into demonic possessed nightmares feeding on flesh. As the limbs start flying around it’s up to the family members to survive and show their true colors, be it cowards, heroes in disguise, awful human beings or soon to be lunch.

I actually like this movie, but seeing as it was distributed by TROMA that shouldn’t surprise anyone. The premise is silly enough  to hold the movie pretty well. It’s the first Belgium horror movie I’ve seen and I gotta say, I like the cut of their jibs. Who knew that the Canada of Europe had a pretty good B-movie camp style. The effects are pretty entertaining as well, some pretty outrageous silly stunts performed at the transformation had me laughing pretty damn hard, and although the quality dropped as the movie went on, I still greatly enjoyed what it had to offer. The fact that the victims were a such an unlikable, backhanded, two-faced bunch made it all the more enjoyable when they got their comeuppance. But here we come to one of my problems with the film, at times it seemed to be just a tad bit too cruel to some of the more likable asshats turned heroes. And there is one scene that took me by surprise and I believe they might have crossed the line by a mile on that one. If you’ve seen the movie you probably know what scene I’m talking about, but in case you haven’t, let’s just say the movie went from crazy fun pool party to little jimmy drowned at the bottom cuz the lifeguard was getting his pole polished behind the parking lot by the one legged hooker. There are lines you don’t cross unless you’re willing to approached it with some decency and maturity.

Another thing that bugged me was the non-existent clarity on the grannies’ powers. They are both possessed by demons, so their powers are pretty much changing reality to their wishes. So in theory the movie should be over in less than ten minutes, the only weakness they seemed to have is that the chapel and other houses of god were off-limits.  For the rest, they can pretty much do anything they want. With Freddy Kreuger for example, he can control the reality to his whims but only in the dream world, and only if you’re scared enough of him, otherwise he doesn’t have enough power, so it’s logical for him to toy with his victims to accumulate the fear needed to kill them off, and also the fact that he gets off on that sh*t but that’s a story for another therapy session. The two grannies in this movie seem to do it for the lulz and go with a pretty lazy aptitude about the whole thing. Leading to their unavoidable demise portraying them as kind of a duo of dumbasses.

This movie is entertaining and will leave you with a smile on your face if you have the same kind of humor as me. Apart from one scene and a few minor details I’d say, give it a watch, it ain’t no masterpiece but it’s pretty damn fun.

 Things I've learned from "Rabid Grannies"

- Damn Grandma, u scary

- Hearing the French speaking actors trying to spew English lines was probably one of the more entertain things about this flick.

- It's in moments like these that you realise you're screwed if your priest isn't the kung fu badass from Braindead/Dead-Alive

Personal rating: 6,5

Critical rating: 5

Friday Night Screening: Braindead/Dead-Alive 1992

Braindead / Dead-Alive

No such thing as 'too much gore'

What happens when you mix gore, zombies, Peter Jackson and more gore? The answer: the new-Zeeland movie from 1992 BrainDead (or 'dead-alive' in northern America for legal reason apparently). This movie is without a doubt the goriest movie ever made, and I’m not even kidding. Don’t believe me? Well go judge for yourself, one thing is certain, it won’t be a waste of your time.

The plot resolve around Lionel, a shy young man who lives alone with his mother as only companion. His mother is a bit …well let’s just say she wins the b8tch mother of the year award hands down. She’s the closest thing that resemble everything anyone ever said about their mothers in their angsty teen years. So Lionel finally meets a woman who is obsessed with him because her Voodoo big mamma told her that Lionel will be her soul mate. Of course, shy boy’s mother isn’t quite happy with the idea that her only son is going away with another woman, so she’ll try anything to stop them. What’s that? How can this be the gore mother lode of a movie I promised? Oh trust me, that’s just the beginning. The mother gets bitten by one the ugliest motherf8ing rat that ever roamed the earth and slowly turns into a zombie, that’s when the movie starts getting good. Instead of just killing her, our hero decide to keep her in his basement, and feed her like he used to when she was alive, but of course more people get infected and his basement becomes one big happy pile-up zombie hotel, all that until they finally escape and the gore meter meets it’s much anticipated climax. There is also a sub-plot throughout the movie with Lionel's uncle being a giant A-hole and how he tries to get Lionel's house to sell it or something trough blackmail.

Like I said, its gore at its finest, if Evil Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Re-animator would have a re-re love child, it still would feel like watching the Teletubbies compared to this masterpiece. I mean, how many movies have you heard of that gave airplanes puke-bags to the guests at the cinemas? But the movie can have its flaws for some who don't like waiting and a slow setting of the story in motion. For a zombie movie, it's pretty slow at the beginning. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but it does feel like a romantic comedy at first if you ignore the awesome opening scene where a guy gets chopped to bits. The special effects are pretty sweet too, the rat is animated with stop-motion and the zombies looks awesome and you can tell the makers had a sh8tload of fun coming up with new ideas for the zombies. Oh yeah, and here's another thing that rocks about this movie: in most zombie movies, the Romero rules state that to kill a zombie you either destroy the brain or remove the head. Well, those zombies are more like the ones from Return Of The Living Dead but less smarter. In other words, the zombies are pretty much indestructible, if you cut off a arm it still would try to get you, both the arm and rest of the zombie. There is as example one zombie that gets cut in two at the waist, both the legs and the torso go their own way, and later on the guts goes on without the torso and crawls all over the place strangling people, and that's just one of many example showing how creative the writers got with the undead.

So yeah, if you ever get your hands on this movie, grab a few friends, a puke bag and enjoy, you won't regret it. Good story, awesome effects, great comedy, lovable characters and a ton of gore, good one Peter Jackson.

And here are a few things I’ve learned from this movie:

- How to make zombie soup...oh god why?

- Don't f8ck around with priests, because they (quote): Kicke aaars for tha lhooord!

- Zombies can have babies apparently, and they are a b8tch to baby-sit

- lawnmower strapped to your chest = Epic Carnage

Personal rating: 8/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Friday Night Screening: Sexykiller 2008

SexyKiller

Psychotic crazy blonde and zombies, sure, why the hell not?

Imagine watching a police drama, ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ and ‘The Simple Life’ at the same time while reading a Deadpool comic, and all that with a nonstop loop of the song “I’m a Barbie Girl” By Aqua blasting in the background at full volume.

Yup, that’s pretty much the experience of watching ‘Sexy Killer’ in a nutshell.

This little Spanish movie from 2008 was brought to us by Miguel Martí (Don’t worry, you’re not supposed to know who it is).
And damn, why aren’t there more movies like that?

Meet Barbara: a psychotic college airhead that constantly breaks the forth wall by speaking directly into the camera and explain exactly why she is going to murder that one chick for wearing an outfit that she was so gonna maybe buy…ish.

Her life consist of trying out multiple outfits and killing pervs and anyone who annoys her, such as slutty classmates and horny teachers. Unfortunately her less than subtle murders seem to have caught the attention of the police, and two coroners and science students, who have managed to create a machine that can read the mind, even of the early departed. It would be only ironic that one of the two scientist falls in love with our favorite nail-polished sociopath and is mistaken himself by her as a fellow psychopath, with him being unobvious of the whole situation.

Little does Barbara known that the mind reading machine also seems to have some necromantic side effects, and soon, all her previous victims rise from the grave to take revenge and nom on all the brains they come across, and where else to do that but the Halloween fiesta?

What can I say? I loved this movie. Barbara is one of the most entertaining characters I’ve seen in a long time, and her ass kicking skills propels the plot forward at rocket speed, even if sometime the chronology can be confusing. A good chunk of the movie is told by Barbara to a guy she is torturing for running over her poodle ‘Jason’(yes, that’s a reference). She tells him, and thus us as well, how this whole ordeal came to be.

I gotta say, this has to be one of the most colorful dark comedy I’ve seen in a while. Everything to Barbara telling us how to asphyxiate some guy like she was on a cooking program, to a ‘House Of The Dead’ish climax with “The Bird Is The Word” song from family guy playing in the background.

This whole movie reminded me a lot of Suda 51’s ‘Lollypop Chainsaw’, if Julie would be a psychotic b8tch. Colorful and over the top while being self-aware and funny as hell.

There’s also a very “Re-Animator”esk subplot with the love interest and his friend playing around with the possibilities of playing god. The best part is when the love interest accidentally raise the first zombie and is then forced to raise the others in hope he will uncover the identity of their killer, quickly having to explain to his ex-classmates why they are dead. The zombies are very self-consent with what is happening to them and are even able to talk like regular people, for a while…then they just become your everyday rotting corps in search of brains.

The main focus of the first half of this movie is mainly Barbara slaughtering left and right, wondering why Leonardo Dicaprio had to die at the end of ‘Titanic’ while drowning a classmate, and the police trying to uncover the identity of the killer.

The second half is more a epic showdown between Barbara and her revived victims, which opens for more than enough hilarious and kick ass scenes.

The humor overall really reminded me of the likes of “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and even “Shaun Of The Dead” at times, I can’t say I’ve seen many Spanish movies, but if the comedy is as good as in “SexyKiller”, I might have to check it out.

The only downsides I can come up with is that since this movie didn’t do great at the box office, I don’t expect a dubbed version anytime soon. Also the effects are pretty sh8t at times, but that only adds to the B-movie glory that is this great movie. And all is forgiven to a movie that refers to ‘Evil Dead’ in its final act. Although I gotta ask, is she called Barbara as an homage to the main character from the original Zombie movie ‘Night Of The Living Dead’ or am I just overthinking it?

Definitely recommending this one folks, great time guaranteed.

Things I’ve learned from ‘SexyKiller’:

- Zombies make the best BFF’s

- How to lose weight as a psychopath, for example, biting someone’s ear off burns 120 calories

- Chainsaws aren’t as useful as one would think in a zombie outbreak, I mean, it takes around ten minutes to get it to work, at least according to this movie.

- The amount of B-movies references in this movie is too damn high

Personal rating: 8.5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Shaun of the Dead

IMDB rate: 8,0

Genre: Comedic, Zombie

Starring: Nick Frost, Simon Pegg, Kate Ashfield

It was about time that I watched one of my favorite movies again: Shaun of the Dead. I absolutely love this movie. It's brilliant, amazing acting, amazing script, great zombies and the movie is incredibly funny. Seriously, I watched this movie so many times already and I'm still not bored of it.

Shaun doesn't have a very good day, so he decides to turn his life around by getting his ex to take him back, but he times it for right in the middle of what may be a zombie apocalypse... But for him, it's an opportunity to show everyone he knows how useful he is by saving them all. All he has to do is survive... And get his ex back.

I think that Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are my favorite acting 'couple' ever. I love them even more than Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith, which says quite a lot. Individually they are great and talented actors, but together they are just excellent. Loved them together in Hot Fuzz and Paul, and I'm quite sure that The World's End will be awesome too. They just have great chemistry together that really helps understanding their connection together. 

Shaun of the Dead is certainly not a movie for everyone. I think that British humor is quite different from American humor and many people might not like it. I however, love this kind of humor. Shaun of the Dead is not typically a movie for horror lovers, I know plenty of people who don't like horror and loved this movie. For instance, I watched this movie tonight with my parents and they loved it, while they normally hate horror movies. 

The script is very good. It has a bit of comedy, zombies and romance in it, but never too much of one of these themes. The zombies are perfect, you actually have a chance of surviving with these slow ones. Like Simon Pegg himself said: "Death is not an energy drink", and this is of course true. I like zombies this way, this is my idea of how zombies are supposed to be and it's amazing that they felt the same way. Another fun thing, if you look closely you can recognize Chris Martin from Coldplay as a zombie.

My favorite scene is definitely the one where Shaun is walking -hungover- to the local shop to buy some cornetto's. The zombies are being shown very subtle and what's making it even more fun is the fact that it was filmed in one sequence.

All together, Shaun of the Dead is an amazing zombie film. In fact, it's one of the many movies that belong in my favorites list. Amazing acting, very funny people, also a very funny and good story. Brilliant camerawork and not to forget, incredibly good music!

Go watch Shaun of the Dead!

My personal rate: 9/10

Friday Night Screening: The Refrigerator 1991

The Refrigerator

Attack of the kitchen appliances from hell

You know those movies, where the name and the premise is half the fun? Like killer klown from outer space or return of the killer tomatoes?

Yeah, so here’s a movie about a killer fridge from hell, do with that information whatever you want.

Released in 1991, this weird thing I’m unsure to call a movie or a bad joke someone made on a late Saturday night after a whiskey intoxication, is brought to us by Nicholas Jacobs, who unfortunately never really did anything else worthwhile.

A movie about a killer fridge, *sight* seems like just yesterday that I used to review normal movies…wait, I never did review a movie based on any plane of normality, why am I complaining??

Ilene and Michael Bateman (not sure if it’s a reference to the book American Psycho, seen as it was published in the same year this movie came out), a young and ambitious couple decide to buy a place in the less rat infested parts of new York, little do they know that their refrigerator has a minor case of the satanz and goes around munching on unimportant extra’s during it’s free time.

But it seems Michael is getting more and more willing to listen to the little people living in his fridge telling him to kill his wife as the movie goes on, and yes, I wish I could make sh8t like this up as I go along. But thankfully, Ilene gets help from the greatest man alive, Super-plumber Juan, who with his pornstash and epic dancing skills manages to even give Bruce Campbell a run for his money. My god is that man awesome.

So what is there to say about this movie? Besides that it’s about a fridge that goes ballistic that is. Well, I guess you can say it’s about the fear of committing, as Ilene and Michael seem to take each other for granted and their relationship slowly start to break down to the simple factor of mistrust, or you could say it’s about a GODDAMN KILLER FRIDGE FROM HELL THAT EATS PEOPLE.

Seriously, do I need to say more? People, there is a motion picture in which a refrigerator eats a man whole by comically opening and shutting it’s door.

I guess I could talk about the needless dialogue or the plot that gets crammed in there too tight like it’s trying to overshadow the killer fridge, like the constant flashbacks from Ilene about her youth that ends up going, guess where? Nowhere at all of course!

I mean we get scenes upon scenes of her childhood trauma that all ends up in a big fat cry and f8ck all else. No character motivation, just the super plumber and his unusual good people skills (I’m serious, I can’t find a single flaw with this guy).

But there are some great scenes, I’ll give this cheap movie that much, there is a scene that just might be the best moment in cinematography of all time. I mean really, how can you even start to top a scene in which a depressed workaholic husband wakes up in the middle of the night with a smile that would put the Cheshire cat to shame just to say: “I am the wafflemaker”

I tip my hat off to you “The Refrigerator”, you have out random’d me mister, may the blessing of the great space homophobic squirrel lord go with you.
But all joking aside, this movie is silly, really silly. Maybe not in the way that 'Robo-Geisha' is silly in a self-acknowledged way, but more based on the premise, while the movie tries it’s darn hardest to pass a serious story about a troubled, falling apart couple that just so happen to have a killer doorway to hell located in their fridge, and also the best plumber I’ve ever seen, seriously, I can’t get over this guy, I think I have a bro-crush.

Death by fridge, now I've seen everything

So should you watch this movie?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you owe it to yourself to see this movie, simply because you’ll then be able to brag to your friends that you've seen everything. But really, it’s kinda slow and a lot of story goes nowhere, but at least you’ll see a guy gets eaten by a fridge, that’s something I guess.

Things I’ve learned from “The refrigerator”:

- I knew living in New York was tough, but damn.

- Good names don’t make good movies

- Plumbers are awesome, Bonus points for the mustache

- When little people inside you fridge start telling you how to live your life, it’s time to put down the waffle maker belt and seek some help.

- Can’t wait for “The mixer of doom” or “The little toaster massacre"

Personal rating: 6.5/10

Critical rating: 4.5/10

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

The Cabin in the Woods

IMDB rate: 7,1

Genre: Supernatural

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Fran Kranz, Richard Jenkins

The Cabin in the Woods is easily one of the best movies made in the last couple of years. I remember sitting in the cinema because there was such a big hype about this movie, and I thought at the first half of the movie "for real, this is it? As if we haven't seen this a million times before already", but then the second half happened, and I had to take my words back because boy, was I wrong. 

Some people are complaining about some similarities between Cabin in the Woods and The Evil Dead. I have to disagree with them. Sure, there are some tiny similarities between both of them, but if you look closely into Cabin in the Woods, you recognize a lot of other horror movies too. The beauty with this movie is that it contains some elements of other amazing horror movies, without it being too obvious or annoying. And just be honest, did anyone expected that ending?

Five teenagers head off for a weekend at a secluded cabin in the woods. They arrive to find they are quite isolated with no means of communicating with the outside world. When the cellar door flings itself open, they go down to investigate. They find an odd assortment of relics and curios but when on one the women, Dana, reads from a book she awakens a family of deadly zombie killers There's far more going on however than meets the eye as the five campers are all under observation.

When I first watched this movie in the cinema, I was bored as hell the first 30 (?) minutes. As many other people  I thought it would be another cliche horror movie, and I almost wanted to leave. Luckily my boyfriend convinced me to stay, and well, I loved it. My friend, a fellow horror lover saw this movie for the first time last weekend, and he also thought he could predict how everything would end, boy, was he surprised when he was wrong. My point is, I think we all thought we could guess how it will end, it which order the people would die and such. Maybe a few people knew that it would end this way, but I don't think that would have been many. 

It has been a long time since a fairly recent horror movie entertained me. This movie finally changed that. I didn't find it a scary movie, but it was build up amazing, with some comedy in it, and some horror creatures from everybody's nightmares. I think this was a movie I've been waiting for, for a long time. Joss Whedon previously entertained me with other movies, or television shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But I have to say that he have outdone himself with this movie.

I love the cast of this movie. When this movie was made in 2009, nobody was really well known yet. You might have spotted Fran Kranz in The Village, but that's about it. Of course, this movie was not released until 2012. In this period of time Chris Hemsworth became a very popular actor. I think that  Chris Hemsworth's popularity contributed a bit to The Cabin in the Wood's popularity. Which is not a bad thing. I enjoy Chris Hemsworth as an actor, and this role fitted him perfectly. Fran Kranz has an amazing performance in this movie. If I never saw him in other movies I would totally believe he is this stoner-weirdo type. I was not entirely sure about Kristen Connolly. Sure she is a good actress, but I found her a bit plain to be honest. She didn't entirely convince me that she was scared. Jesse Williams played his parts very well, but at first I never saw him as the 'student' type. He seemed like another hot football player to me. I guess that's why he had glasses on in the following scenes, to make it more believable. Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford have an amazing chemistry together, they made this movie fun to watch. I would love to see the two together again in another movie. All together, a great cast.  

The music is amazingly well chosen, it fitted perfectly with every single scene. Also, the dialogues... Joss Whedon has not written the best dialogues for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but in this movie it was amazing. It fitted the characters, it fitted the story. All good.

Sure, some details in those movies seem to be a bit far-fetched, and some people might get irritated by that. I don't think it was bothering though, because you can not make everything right. Look at all the terrible horror movies that have already been made, why would I look at every tiny detail in a further amazing movie? Some people are just too picky I guess. 

I would love to tell about some of the amazing things happening in this movie, but I'm afraid that I will spoil the whole movie, so I won't say anything! I saw someone say 'The less you know about The Cabin in the Woods, the better'. I'll have to agree with that, because if you know how the story will go, you won't experience the surprise of the amazing plot twist.

This movie gives a whole new look on other horror movies in my opinion. And I can only recommend this movie. But there will be many people who will tell you otherwise.

You either love it or hate it, that's the easiest explanation :).

My personal rate: 9/10

Friday Night Screening: Robo-Geisha 2009

Robo-Geisha

Suck it 90’s ‘Tank Girl’, this is the real thing.

Well, about time I review another movie from my favorite country: Japan.  And yes, this movie is weird…Really ass-bugging-Stomp-on-the-face-and-drives-of-a-cliffs-only-to-pop-up-in-front-of-your-window-at-3-am-whispering-something-about-killer-turtles-while-you-only-wanted-a-glass-of-water weird.

Are you afraid? Well, you better be, cause here’s Robo-Geisha

Released in 2009 by Noboru Igushi , this proves my point that japan isn’t just crazy, it’s a new kind of crazy bred in a lab somewhere only to escape in nothing but a yellow mankini and slap people in the face with a dead fish.

Ever wondered what would happen if you mixed ‘The Terminator’ with ‘Memoirs Of A Geisha’ and ‘Godzilla’ and a whole lot of meth? Well, here’s your answer:

An ultra-violent weird and insane trip filled with out of place humor and nonsensical fight scenes between geisha’s and robots, ninja’s, giant robot castles and a nurse…for some reason.

What is this movie really about? Well, these kind of movies often don’t really have much of a story, the humor and value are based more on how much they can get away with. But with Robo-Geisha, there is surprisingly more story than needed. It tells the tale of two sisters, the elder being a geisha and the younger being pretty much Cinderella with major anger issues. Let’s just say they don’t get along, and it doesn’t help that this perfect young guy with a major bank account is more interested in the younger sister, Yoshi (yeah, I know, just roll with it). They both get invited to his company where we learned that he is an evil villain who wants to take over the world with his father and do evil stuff like stomping on puppies and laughing at sick kids and all that evil business.

Thus the two sisters are recruited to his army of cyborg Geisha assassins. And instead of saying:

 “eh, I know you’re pretty much Cruella from the 101 Dalmatian with slightly better hair and a penis and stuff, and I can roll with that, but I’m probably gonna go now because of the serious case of ‘dying’ that everyone in your company has been getting lately”, the two sisters decide to turn the whole thing into a competition, killing as many as possible, getting better upgrades and taking the physical abuse like a boss to eventually become ‘The Very Best’.

Well, the movie decides that this plot is getting old somewhere halfway through and Yoshi gets betrayed by the Asian Ken doll and his company and left for dead at the side of the road. But of course, an older Winry from FMA just happens to pass by and gives her sweet upgrades. Thus Yoshi, now armed with the lower body of a tank and enough fire power to blow up the whole country, decides to open a can of whoop ass of biblical scale on the bad guy’s HQ, which has now become a giant Godzilla robot and who is destroying random building…which are bleeding when destroyed, yeah, I don’t even…

You thought i was kiding, didn't ya?

This movie is simply amazing, not because it’s good or anything, but because it’s so bad, but on purpose , which makes it ok, right?

But all kidding aside, I loved this movie. Never did I find myself bored or not laughing, it managed to hit every single note perfectly, even if hitting said note perfectly required to have some of the worse effects I’ve seen in a while, which in my case only entertained me more.

The intention was to make a movie so ridiculous as possible and I’ll be damned if it isn’t one of the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever seen.

The only thing I can compare it to would be “Panty and Stocking with Gartenbelt”, the humor, pacing and ridiculousness is similar, but Robo-geisha takes it one step further in the ‘weird’ direction. Surprisingly, the story telling is also shockingly similar, teasing us with serious moments and drama, only to slap us in the face with an over the top nonsensical fight scene out of left field, as if the show and the movies were telling us: “yeah, we can to so much better than this, we could actually have a story, but f*ck that noise! Here’s a chick with tank wheels driving on the side of a building while playing a shamisen shooting lasers at a giant walking castle destroying the city”, and it works perfectly.

I spoke of the effects earlier, I think I didn’t do it justice when I said it was some of the worse I’ve seen in a while, cheap CGI bullets and blood that flies everywhere across the screen without rhyme or reason, pretty similar to the “Violent Shit” movies (in case you don’t know any of them, trust me when I say it’s pretty bad and in no way a compliment). The practical effects are over the top and works perfectly for the goofy tone this movie was going for, like some guy with shrimps shoved in his eyes or a man being hit so hard his head retracts back into his torso, you know, all the good stuff.

The dialogue…do I need to say anything else than an example early on in the movie where a man is told an assassin is going to kill his within three minutes:

- “Kill me in three minutes? Three minutes is as much time as you’ve taken a dump but you’ve still got like, faint bits of shit sort of smearing at the toilet, right?”

I rest my case.

I don’t know what’s worse, that this movie has everything from butt-shurikens to acid breast milk, or that I was laughing at every single immature joke this movie was throwing at me. Ah well, final verdict? If you like Japanese humor, give it a watch, and if you’re not familiar with Japanese humor, you might want to approaches  this one carefully but I still highly recommend it, only for the sheer ridiculousness and because it might be one of the most random thing you’ll ever see.

Things I’ve learned from ‘Robo-Geisha’:

- Ass-play is taken quite literally in this movie.

- Everyone in this movie went to the same target practice as the Star Wars storm troopers.

- Grandpa be packing heat.

- Ass-swords…really movie? You just had to push it didn’t ya?

Personal rating: 8,5/10

Critical rating: 4,5/10

Friday Night Screening: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors 1987

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

Freddy vs the supernatural Glee club

Finally the third installment in the series, Dream Warriors, acclaimed as ‘The perfect nightmare on elm street movie’. With a title as that, how can this movie possibly go wrong? Well, why not take a look at this 1987 meet-up of the dream demon Freddy Kreuger and the mighty Nancy dream Rangers…hold on, that’s not right.

A few years after the murders on Elm street, some teens seem to all share the same dream, and of course, parents, always doing what they do best, make things worse by committing them to a psychological asylum. 
And there they are find themselves like fishes in a barrel for our favorite dream murdering maniac, Freddy Kreuger. But it seems that an old friend has decided to make her comeback to finish what she started years ago, Nancy from the first movie. And after noticing one of the patients seems to have the power to control her dreams, she decide to form a team of dream warriors to finally destroy Freddy.
Warriors ranging from D&D wizards to an eighties idea of‘Bad’…ugh.

Sweet god does this one drive off the silly cliff with the quirkymobile. At first it seems to be all right until the whole ‘Dream ability’ thing comes into play, yeah, that’s a thing now. Apparently all the kids have special dream abilities, like one having super strength , the other being able to do backflips, and can someone call the kid who got the superpower to scream real loud like a girl to tell him he’s been screwed over? He can probably join Mati from Captain Planet and Aquaman to form a club.

But besides the silliness of the second half which let me remind you all, had a freaking wizard, how does the movie hold up? Well, for lack of a better term, it’s amazing.

I’m serious, the effects are incredible and the acting, although hammy at times, is pretty decent. And holy sh8t, is that Morpheus? This just keeps getting better.

The kids are likable for the most parts, and seeing Nancy again was a nice addition, but the real show stealer remains Robert Englund as Freddy Kreuger, who in this movie more than before, really shines. In the previous movie, especially in the second  one, Freddy just seemed like this uncharacteristic force, we knew he was evil, but beside that there was very little to add. But in this movie Freddy has much more of a personality (and a pretty, if not very dark, funny one) and we get to know a little of his backstory, and even though it’s contrived and cliché as all hell, it’s at least a step forward. But while on the subject, we learn about Freddy’s birth and the cruel and brutal circumstances of said event, but the movie blames those events for Freddy’s murderous existence as an adult. So instead of focusing on the big question this movie should be asking, is evil something you’re born with or is it something you come to learn trough traumatic events or taught by others, the movie just glances over it and forgets about it like if it was afraid of what it said. Which is something that really pisses me off with Nightmare on Elm Street 3.

But well, back on track, if you don’t have a problem with the silliness of the second act, this is probably the best movie in the saga so far. I still personally prefer the first one, but this one is a close second. The main antagonist, Freddy, is much more refined and funny in a dark and twisted way. The effects are amazing and a real treat to look at and its characters are varied and deaths are creative and original. Definitely worth a watch for any horror fan.

Things I’ve learned from Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors:

- How to make it on TV

- "The Freddy Kreuger" is the new drug sensation sweeping the nation after 'The Charlie Sheen'

- Never thought that the idea of Freddy playing with his puppets could be so wicked

- Even in the eighties, “I’m beautiful…and bad” sounds just...no.

Personal Rating: 8.2/10

Critical rating: 8/10

 Freddy Kreuger

kill-count so far:
20 kills

Best kill in this movie:
Killer puppeteer

Best kill so far:
Killer pupeteer

Friday Night Screening: Zombie Strippers! 2008

Zombie Strippers!

Because there are still people out there wanking to it

Well, time to take a break from nightmares on Elm street and take a look at...stipping zombies. But all is well, I have enough scotch to clear my memory after this and we have a familiar face to lead us through this slightly necrophiliac propaganding  journey, no other than Freddy himself, goddammit Robert Englund, of all the undead joint in all the grindhouse in all the world, he walks into mine.

Well, to be honest, the fact that Robert Englund plays in this movie is one of the two big reasons I picked up this little flick made in 2008, the other would be the name, because honestly, how could I pass on a movie about zombie strippers? Also Jenna Jameson plays in this... don't act like you don't know who she is you horny little devil.

And yes, before you even ask, this movie is exactly what you think it is.

In a not too distant future, one where stripping has become illegal, a small group of commando is send out to take care of a laboratory spill that caused the personnel to become brain-hungry zombies. Of course things get out of hand and one of the zombies finds itself in an illegal strip club owned by Freddy Kruger and bites the hell out of one of the strippers.

And then things get weird, I’m not sure how things will go down in the future, but I’m pretty sure necrophilia will still not be the norm, so why in the name of all that is holy, the crowd goes wild when the returned stripper dangles her rotting flesh all over the dance floor , is beyond me. But Freddy sees an opportunity in this and all goes to hell beyond that point. And yes, it gets even weirder.

Ok, let’s get this out of the way, this movie is funny as hell. Sure it can be classified as toilet humor, but what can I say? It works. On the other end of the spectrum however, when did people start to find dancing corpses hot? I mean all right, I wouldn’t be one to kick Jenna Jameson out of bed, but she’s not so hot that I’d pay to see her rotting pieces splatter all over the dance floor.

But for all the fun this movie is in its juvenile humor, I do get the idea that this movie tries to be much deeper than it actually is, or at least that would be the case if I knew anyone’s reasons to do anything in this movie. They try to tackle multiple questions on the duality of men here and there, but it falls flat when you realize they are just quoting Nietzsche every once in a while, and like a joke without a punchline, this just goes on and on until the end of the movie making you wonder if there was a point to all this, and to save you the trouble, no, there isn’t.

And it’s a shame, because I really don’t want to call a movie named ‘Zombie Strippers’ pretentious, but I can’t see the joke. I mean, why have the setup by having one character ask questions about the prosecution of weaker woman in this industry by pressurizing them with impossible standards, eventually wondering if men is born evil, just to never either answer those questions or have a joke that works. So yes, and I hate to be the one to say it, but Zombie Stripper is, maybe unwillingly, pretentious.

For a movie that hopelessly tries to show us the evil of standards and expectations, something you’d expect would interest more woman than men (not being sexist here, just saying) this movie is 75% striptease, something that, more often than not, does not interest the female demographic. So why have all that talk about the pressurizing of woman in the industry? For f8ck squabble diddle doo, and that’s why this movie falls horribly flat in that regard.

Might want to rethink that lapdance...

But back to the point, the effects are unfortunately really poor, and I mean both they look cheap and they are uninteresting. More often than not computer generated blood spatter and wounds that would make the later ‘Violent shit’ movies proud. The small amount of practical effects are slightly better and the props and sets do their jobs nicely. The acting isn't even worth mentioning, seeing as the lead previous acting jobs were such unforgettable classics such as ‘Buttman at Nudes a Poppin' 7’ and ‘Breast Obsessed 3’. Robert Englund, and no matter how much I like him as an actor, didn’t bring his A-game either, he often seemed like he was lost on the set or really waiting for his paycheck, but even then, he did get a few chuckles out of me here and there.

So, final verdict? This movie is a blast, it’s perhaps poorly acted and has more strip scenes than gay undertones in Brokeback Mountain, but it’s funny as hell and will have you laughing all the way with its ridiculous plot.

However, I am speaking as a proud dong-owner here, and I feel that some of the ladies probably won’t be able to sit through so much of Jenna’s exposed…uhum…acting. And thus would find the movie pretty lacking and/or hard to sit through. I might ask Melanie or another female reviewer to check it out in the future to get a second opinion. However if you don’t mind, the humor is still side-aching and it has more memorable quotes and scenes than I could mention.

Things I learned from ‘Zombie Strippers!’:

- Nietzsche does indeed make more sense after you die

- This future might be a bit short of stupid, but at least it’s not ‘Teenage Caveman’

- I’ll never look at a billiard ball the same way

- Rhino in a thong might be the worst logo for anything since the RE6 title card

- Foaming Chewbacca…seriously internet?

- And I though the teabag from killer pussy was bad…

Personal Rating: 7/10

Critical Rating: 5.5/10

Tusk (2014)

Tusk

IMDB rate: 5,6

Genre: Comedic, Monster, Mad Scientist

Starring: Justin Long, Michael Parks, Johnny Depp, Haley Joel Smith
My rate: 3,5/10

Kevin Smith, also known as Silent Bob, just made a step further into the horror genre. I am a huge fan of his movies Clerks and Dogma. I even thought Red State was a fairly good movie, although it's not comedic in any way, which isn't much like Kevin Smith's usual work. With the Tusk trailer being released I must say that I was somewhat excited to see it, mainly because it seemed pretty ridiculous and kinda fun as well, plus it was made by Kevin Smith. I must say that it was a pretty ridiculous movie indeed, but unfortunately it was not funny at any point. There are movies that are 'so bad, it's good', I expected Tusk to be one of them but unfortunately this wasn't the case at all. I don't necessarily think every Kevin Smith movie is good, some I didn't enjoy very much such as as Chasing Amy. But with Tusk I must say that it definitely Kevin Smith's worst movie. The worst part? It's being made into a trilogy. 

Unfortunately the movie is not funny at any point. Okay, maybe once or twice I had a little chuckle, but really that's about it. It's filled with Canadian jokes, which weren't very original or funny at any moment. The big attraction to this movie is of course big star Johnny Depp who plays a weird Canadian detective, his character is pretty much constructed from every Canadian-stereotype you can think of, which is pretty tiresome after awhile. I must admit that in the first few minutes of Guy Lapointe's appearance I didn't recognize Johnny Depp, but after awhile his usual acting habits appeared and it became pretty obvious that the guy was Johnny Depp. 

I must say that for a long while I claimed that my favorite actor of all time was Johnny Depp, but the last few years his movies have been rubbish. The last fun movie I've seen of him are the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' ones and that's already quite some time ago (I don't count the fourth one, didn't like that one very much). I do like his older work a lot though, movies as Edward Scissorhands, Chocolat, Finding Neverland and Sleepy Hollow. The reason why I think I don't like him a whole lot anymore is because of the characters he plays. He always plays the weird ones, which was fun for awhile but now it's just becoming normal. Johnny Depp in another weird character, whoop'difuckingdoo.

The Tusk cast is pretty nice, the crazy Walrus man is being played by Michael Parks (Kill Bill, Red State, Django Unchained), not a bad actor at all and he has a magnificent voice. The problem with his voice however is that Kevin Smith seems to enjoy it as well, meaning that the dialogues spoken by Michael Parks are pretty much never-ending, which was also the case with Red State. Other roles are played by Justin Long (Accepted, Jeepers Creepers) who plays the ultimate douchebag, I don't hate him as an actor though. A surprising face to see was Haley Joel Osment, the cute little kid from Sixth Sense. However, he's not very cute anymore, still a good actor though.

Kevin Smith was always a writer that added a lot of dialogue into his movies, but the last few movies have contained more of a background story as well. I think he's trying to reach Quentin Tarantino's level with this kind of movie-making. The problem is that Kevin Smith just does not seem to be very good in creating the background story. Tusk almost seems like a parody to the Human Centipede, which isn't necessarily a bad concept, but it just didn't work out at all. When the transformation is complete is looks somewhat unsettling, but is in no way as disturbing as the Human Centipede.

I already mentioned this but Tusk will be followed by two sequels, which will be part of the 'True North' collection. The next installment is 'Yoga Hosers' with the main characters being played by Depp's and Smith's daughters. These two were also briefly in Tusk, and as far I could tell they weren't good actresses at all. They seemed very awkward and I just can't imagine the two being main characters. The third installment is 'Moose Jaws', which doesn't sound very promising either.

I heard rumors that this trilogy is only being made because Kevin Smith needed some money to be able to make Clerks 3, and I truly hope that this is the case. I am a big fan of Clerks and a third movie would be awesome. Even though I'm looking forward to Clerks 3, Tusk was definitely not a success for Kevin Smith and I doubt the next two part will be better. The movie has a good cast which solid acting skills, the dialogue is perhaps a bit long but not bad or anything. Unfortunately the whole concept of Tusk is horrible, the walrus is weird looking, the movie isn't funny and the characters are highly irritating. 

DOUBLE REVIEW: Dead Snow (2009) / Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead (2014)

Dead Snow

Originally written on: 22 July 2013 on personal blog

IMDB rate: 6,4

Genre: Comedic, Zombie
Starring: Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Hendriksen, Charlotte Frogner

I really enjoyed watching this movie. I've seen it once before and I must admit that I thought it was a weird movie. It is a weird movie, but an excellent one.
I think it look a lot of courage to make a movie about nazi zombies. It's brilliant.

Several friends take off to the mountains and shack-up in the wilderness of back-of-beyond to enjoy a little R & R together, their peace is soon interrupted by a mysterious old man, warning them of a local curse that during the German occupation of the local area that these Nazi invaders were brutal and harsh in their methods of control. Telling of the legend of the villager's revolt that drove them up into the cold, dark mountains where they perished, that is until rumour of their return in the form of zombies, evil Nazi zombies.

The first 40 minutes of the movie are kinda slow. Nothing really happens and you never get a look of these intruders. And when you finally get to see them it almost feels like a serious zombie movie. Luckily it switched very quickly to a comedic zombie movie that feels a lot like Shaun of the Dead.

The movie feels a lot like an old zombie movie, something like Night of the Living Dead. The zombies are not infectious I believe, also they are rising dead zombies, instead of virus zombies. A nice throwback to the past!
My favorite part is when a filmfreak character mentions to not get bitten by one of the zombies, and when one of them gets actually bitten in their arm he chops of his arm to prevent infection (if that's indeed infected at all). Right after he cuts of his arm he gets bitten in his balls... well, this was hilarious as you can imagine, especially his look on his face.
The acting is good, I don't know any of the actors but I liked them.

The zombies look very scary but are also a bit funny. They are slow and very patient. Violent as hell and they look a lot like angry dogs.

The images are very beautiful, the blood mixed up with the snow gives a very nice look. The music is very cool. And the humor is brilliant.
I absolutely recommend watching this movie. It's very funny and scary at the same time. For those who enjoyed Shaun of the Dead might enjoy this one too.

My personal rate: 8/10

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead
Originally written on 26 January 2015 on personal blog

IMDB rate: 7,1

Genre: Zombie, Comedic

Starring: Martin Starr, Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Hendriksen

You wouldn't know how much I'm bummed out that I only watched this movie in 2015, because otherwise this movie would've been on number 1 for my top 5 horror movies of 2014 for sure. What an absolutely brilliant movie. I already was a big fan of the first Dead Snow, but this one is even more awesome compared to that. The nazi zombies were already a brutal way to approach the zombie genre, but in Red vs. Dead this approach is going a few steps further by brutally murdering children, elders and the disabled. I can already tell you that if you're easily offended this movie is absolutely not right for you.

Here is what Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead about:
If the worst day of your life consisted of accidentally killing your girlfriend with an axe, chain-sawing your own arm off, and watching in horror as your closest friends were devoured by a zombified Nazi battalion, you'd have to assume that things couldn't get much worse. In Martin's case, that was only the beginning.

Dead Snow was already an amazing movie, funny, brutal and a true gore-fest. Surprisingly enough the sequel happens to be even better compared to Dead Snow. It's very different compared to the previous movie, not only in setting but it's also funnier, even more brutal and it's filled with even better gore. Right after Martin's arm is being reattached (Idle Hands meets Dead Snow) you'll laugh your socks off with a certain reanimating scene. At that moment I knew how awesome this movie was going to be.

I thought it was pretty cool that they did some sort of America-European crossover, mainly because I think it might prevent Hollywood from remaking Dead Snow. I like Martin Starr, he is in some of my favorite comedies and not to forget the great show Freaks and Geeks. I thought the Star Wars fan was a bit lame, but well, it fits the movie I suppose. Vegar Hoel returns as Martin and while he was a bit of a pansy in Dead Snow, he became pretty badass in Red vs. Dead. Definitely a great performance by Vegar Hoel. Another familiar face is Stig Frode Hendriksen (who also happens to be one of the writers, besides Vegar Hoel), who returns in a different role since his previous character was pretty much... well, butchered off.

I must admit that the entire movie I felt incredibly sorry for the zombie-sidekick. Even though he had some pretty nasty moments, he was pretty much fucked the entire movie. It was a nice touch to the movie though. Not so nice-looking was the zombie sex - gross!

As with Dead Snow, the make-up was great looking in this part. Perhaps even better looking too, it was quite noticeable that the budget was a bit higher compared to Dead Snow. Nazi-zombies were never better looking than this. Some great camera-work and nice special effects as well.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead is not only an excellent sequel, it's just an amazingly brilliant movie overall. It contains great acting, some good jokes and some great gore. Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead is even more over-the-top than the first one, and I LOVED it. Definitely not a movie everyone will enjoy, but for those who love movies such as Shaun of the Dead, Cockneys vs. Zombies and Evil Dead will most definitely like this one.

My personal rate: 8/10