Saturday, 4 April 2015

Friday Night Screening: Teenage Caveman 2002

Teenage Caveman
There's not enough booze in the world to make me enjoy this movie...

Good god, just when you think you’ve seen the bottom of the barrel, the human stupidity just grows and spreads in the form of shameless, boring and above all, lazy pieces of feces that dares to call itself a movie. My point? Teenage Caveman, hearing that name already gives me a gag reflex.
Directed in 2002 by Larry Clark, who is mostly known for making shameless oversexed teenage drama’s. This straight to DVD sorry excuse for anything resembling a movie passed under everyone’s radar making it thankfully very obscure and pretty hard to find. Unfortunately I wasn’t lucky enough to ignore it and saw it one day in a store and looking at the cover I thought: “hey, this could be interesting”. It was only after having watched this creepy descend into a sick and disturbed pervert’s view on teenagers that I realized how god-awfully wrong I was.
How bad is it? Well, to be fair my hate probably comes more from the fact that I had high hopes after having seen the cover, which looked like one of those eighties/nineties goofy monster-on-the-loose movie about a caveman in modern times, kinda like the ‘Beer bad’ episode from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Unfortunately, my hopes were shattered in the very first minute of the movie. Wanna know what this movie is really about?

The story centers around a small group of teenagers in a post-apocalyptic world, why did they survive? How did the world end? Was there a nuclear war? We don’t know! dear ol’Larry didn’t think this was important or interesting enough to tell us, what do we get instead of an explanation? People living like caveman in tribes, oh wait, religious tribes! Even better, now the chief of the tribe can justify raping and pedophilia with the never failing argument “God wants it” Not kidding, that actually happens in like the first ten minutes, damn this movie is pissing me off already, and we haven’t even talked about the main ‘characters’.
So getting back on track, the son of the chief decides that he is sick and tired of this sh*t just as much as I am and murders his scumbag father and leaves with his retarded posy to find a new place to kick it. But the fellowship of degenerated idiots don’t get too far gets abducted by two new characterswho are more flamboyant than the whole crew of Saterday Night Fever put together, as directed by Joel Schumacher. They then bring the lost and confused group to their lair located in the city where technology has advanced normally but the dress-code hasn’t. The group doesn’t have much time to marvel at the technology surrounding them that they realize their host’s intention: doing coke, sexing it up and party like it’s 1999. But after a while some of the group’s members start disappearing or blowing up for no reason whatsoever. They quickly realize that something is wrong but their hosts don’t seem to yield with their request to leave, and let them in on a little secret that is so stupid and forced that it will blow your mind.

If you couldn’t tell already, I really didn’t like this one. Maybe because the story makes no sense whatsoever, but mainly because this movie is just so boring… it’s written lazily, the acting’s horrendous and there is simply no quality to it. Don’t get me wrong, I like bad movies, hell, I love them. Movies like ‘The Room’ or even ‘Killer Pussy’ always amaze me with their badness and simple goofiness, however, I can’t stand it when a movie bores me. And that’s exactly what ‘Teenage Caveman’ did, it bored me to death, it really became a chore to sit through. Nothing happened for a good chunk of the movie, and when it did, it was so stupid that it just annoyed me.
The only redeeming factor to this entire movie might be Neil, played by Richard Hillman. The guy was having so much fun with the role it was hard not to chuckle every once in a while. The dude was quite literally munching the scenery (not kidding, at some point he actually does).
But was that Nicolas cage style of acting enough to save the movie? Hells no.
The effects are bad, the acting’s bad, the story is boring, there is an ridiculous amount of out-of-nowhere nudity that adds nothing to the movie except to prove my point that Larry Clark is a sick disturbed pervert, every technique that the movie throws at us in a feeble attempt to be ‘artsy’ fails horribly, everything I can think of makes this movie a huge waste of time.
The only reason I can think of why this movie had been made, is because it was originally meant to be a porno, but when they realized that most of their actors were underage they ended up with a soft core half-baked and lazy mess of a train wreck.
I honestly can’t recommend this movie to anyone, it’s a buried mess, and let’s hope that it stays that way. Stay away from this one folks, trust me.
Things Teenage caveman can teach us:
-It seems they still have punk rock in the future, unfortunately they also have idiots who sing along.
- An Emo wolverine would look pretty stupid.
- It is possible to actually become stupider by watching a movie, believe me, I had a hard time remembering my name after this mess.
- Downing a bottle of scotch in 15 seconds...kudo's

Personal rating: 2/10

Critical rating: 3/10

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